I Know Your Name
by icaruspandora
Summary: A look at the changing (and unchanging) feelings of Lady Sharon Rainsworth over the years toward the stranger who calls himself Xerxes Break. (Sounds like a one-shot, but it's not. It kind of reads more like a bunch of connected drabbles.)
1. Through the Door

_Disclaimer and other things: I've never posted fanfiction before,__** ever**__, so I'm not sure of the protocol. First off, these characters are from Jun Mochizuki's Pandora Hearts. Obviously, I didn't create them. I'm not that good. They belong to her as does the plot of Pandora Hearts, which I reference now and then. This opening scene is based on the scene where Sharon first finds Break. It's an expansion of the scene from the manga from Sharon's POV. However, there are some lines toward the end of that first scene that are taken directly from the English translation by Yen Press. It's where Sharon is freaking out and Reim is telling her she shouldn't be there. I thought about changing it, but couldn't figure out a way of doing it that wouldn't end up sounding weird. It's just a few lines, and the rest of the story I'm writing either doesn't appear in the manga or is only referenced, not shown [edit] OR only describes the scene that occurs in the manga with no direct dialogue quotes (for example: Break speaking with Sheryl Rainsworth)...only exception so far is chap. 5 where I use one line.[/edit] Though I've tried to stay true to canon, mostly, I reserve the right to deviate if I think it'll work in the story I'm writing. Finally, though I kind of like the name Regnard, I've decided to follow the "official" English translation and use Legnard._

_If I've missed anything in the disclaimer, please let me know._

_Oh, one final thing...I have very little idea where this is going. I usually write the story out first completely instead of working chapter by chapter. Here, I'm only a few chapters ahead. But then, this whole thing is an experiment for me. _

_Okay, okay...I'll shut up now. :)_

* * *

Sharon taps Reim-san on the back and giggles. "Tag! You're it!" Whirling away before he can react, she giggles madly as she races down the stairs.

"I told you, I'm not playing!" he yells back.

She keeps running. He'll join her soon. He always does. And this time, she will hide in a place where no one can find her, a place they'll never think to look because she isn't supposed to be there.

Further down into the mansion she races. Torches line the halls now, and silence fills the corridors. The sound of her footsteps slows as she approaches the final staircase. At the bottom, she turns and watches the steps, listening for the sound of anyone who might have followed her.

She has no fear. She has been told the Door they guard won't open to her and so her only fear, in her eight year old mind, is of being caught.

Won't they be surprised? Thinking this, she smiles and covers her mouth so she won't giggle.

Noises on the stairwell. Reim has followed her. Excitement makes her back quickly away from the stairs and toward the Door. It's okay. It won't open for her.

Her foot catches and she trips.

Landing on her back, she wonders what could be here. From what she's been told, nothing is kept in this room.

Unless...she looks at what she tripped over, terrified that a Chain has managed to escape.

An arm. An arm dressed in a sleeve unfamiliar to her daily life, but that looks almost aristocratic. She scrambles to her feet. In the distance, she hears Reim complaining but the arm holds her attention.

No one else is supposed to be here.

Her gaze moves from the arm to the rest of whoever this is. Her breath quickens. A man lay on the stone floor, in clothes she has only seen on the stage, on actors playing characters from long ago. But that isn't what makes her breath quicken. Blood covers the man's face and chest. It spots his clothes and...if she looks at his white hair, at the patch of hair the blood has turned scarlet..."Reim!" Her scream echoes in the nearly empty room. "Reim-san! Hurry!"

She scrambles out of the room and up the stairs. Maybe he didn't hear her. The speed with which he appears proves otherwise. "Reim," she pants, "There's a man covered in blood. Hurry, please!"

"Lady Sharon, you shouldn't be here." He's already hurrying down the steps. "Go back."

But she runs back to the stranger's side. Many years from now, when memories become far more important, she'll wonder if it was the clothes. Maybe in her silly girlish thoughts, she had been enchanted by them. But the truth of it is that she has no reason. She goes to his side as naturally as if he's always been in her life.

He's in pain. Her yelling must have woken him up, she realizes. Reim grabs her shoulders. "Stay back!" But he doesn't pull her from the room and she stands over the man's face, hands over her mouth.

His eye is gone. Now that his head is tilted back in agony she can see that clearly. His remaining eye opens. The iris is scarlet. Like blood, she thinks.

His breathing slows. His remaining eye narrows, focusing on Lady Sharon. He looks at her in puzzlement, as if he can't quite believe what he's seeing.

In that moment, she knows she will always be with him.

That one act seems to exhaust him. His body relaxes, his eyes close, the lids that would have covered his missing one droop downward into his skull.

"Lady Sharon, go call the valets. I'll stay here." It takes much insistence on Reim's part before she moves away, her eyes always going back to the blood-covered man. "Go." His fierce whisper finally pushes her upstairs.

She watches as the men she's called lift the stranger. His eye doesn't open, nor does he stir as they carry him up to the Rainsworth's mansion above.

The glares from the grown-ups, the ones who aren't entirely focused on the stranger, tell her she shouldn't follow them. Who knows what kind of man this is? Sharon waits by the door as they lay him down on a bed in a spare room. A valet is sent to her mother to inquire as to directions regarding the stranger, and the rest lean against the wall, arms folded-or sit, fingers laced-waiting, just like her.

She can't leave him.

.

.

.

_Lord Sinclair looks the newborn infant over. He smiles. "You have a fine addition to your household, Sir Legnard."_

_"Thank you, my lord." The knight grins, his eyes darting to his wife, who smiles in spite of her exhaustion._

_Don't open your eyes, he prays. Please, little Kevin, don't open your eyes._

_"What's his name?" Lord Sinclair asks._

_"Kevin, milord. It was my father's name."_

_"Ah, yes." The lord bounces Kevin lightly as he talks. He's a father himself. "An amazing fighter."_

_"One of the best."_

_"And you," Lord Sinclair coos at the infant, "are going to be just as strong."_

_Kevin opens his eyes._

_Sir Legnard feels as if time has stopped, as Lord Sinclair slows in his bouncing, his eyes narrowing on Kevin's scarlet red eyes. "Sir Legnard?"_

_"The Tragedy of Sablier finished the curse," he replies, the words he's practiced flowing better than when he'd said them in front of the mirror. "Nothing worse than that could happen and nothing has since. Jack Vessalius himself has spoken it."_

_But Lord Sinclair is old, he reminds himself. His son, Roman, is almost old enough to inherit the title himself. He remembers when a Child of Ill Omen was beaten or starved...or sacrificed._

_Lord Sinclair looks down at the infant. Sir Legnard feels his muscles tense, and knows that if his lord tries to take his son away he will not stand quietly by._

_Slowly, a smile touches the corners of the Lord's mouth. "He is your son, Legnard. I am certain he will make his father proud." Gently, he hands the infant back to Sir Legnard who fights not to clutch him to his chest in relief._

_Still, he and his wife don't breathe until after Lord Sinclair has said his farewells and left their well-kept home. Once the door has shut, he collapses into a chair, still holding his son. He hears his wife whimper and gets up. She wipes tears away and takes their son back with a smile. "Do you think he'll change his mind?"_

_"He's an honest man." He looks down at his son with unashamed pride. "As long as Kevin serves him well, our son will never have to worry."_

_He watches with something near awe as his wife pulls their son's head close to hers, breathes in the scent of his hair and nuzzles it. Leaning down, he kisses her gently on the forehead. He doesn't say that if his lord ever does change his mind, he will kill him with his own hands._

_This is his, and he will fight to keep it._


	2. Break

_Thank you to those who reviewed. :)_

_Confessions: I changed Break's question that he asked Lady Rainsworth, but tried to keep the meaning. If there's a translation out there that has the same line, I'm not aware of it, and do not intend to copy said translation._

_Also, Kevin's conversation with his father is a nod to Break's conversation with Oz in the actual series._

* * *

Sharon wakes up before dawn. It's been three days since the stranger arrived and each day she hopes he will wake up completely. Tearing through her wardrobe, she dresses with hurried fingers, unwilling to wait for a maid to help her. It's not that difficult, after all. Boots laced up, she runs toward the stranger's bedroom.

"Hey!" Reim calls out as she passes. "He's not awake yet."

"I know." She stops running, though...and frowns when Reim follows her.

"Your mother doesn't want you going in there alone."

"Why not?" she sighs. "It's been three days."

"Exactly. There's nothing to see."

"But something to hear." She didn't mean to say that. Resolving to be careful in the future, she finally stops and looks at Reim. His wide eyes and his glare make her giggle. Somehow she manages to turn it into a mere smile.

"What have you heard?" he demands.

Her smile fades, replaced by a small bit of fear, though not for her safety. The words come back in full clarity. The scarlet-eyed man's drowsy murmurs sometimes turned to shouts, cries of murder and death for a woman known only to him.

But she won't say that to Reim. She would have to explain why she still needs to be near him, and that's something she herself doesn't understand. "Mutterings. Strange, exotic words. What about you? Have you found out anything about him?"

Reim shakes his head, looking despondent. "I've sent this information to Lord Barma." He mutters, "At the very least, it might give him an excuse to meet with Lady Sheryl."

"She still hasn't given him an answer?"

His eyes go wide again. "How did you-"

"A lady hears things."

"You're only seven, my lady."

"Eight and three-quarters. I look younger than I am."

"You act younger, too." This earns him a sharp rap from her paper fan.

They pass the stairs. Turning right, they walk the long hall in silence. But as they get closer, they hear voices coming from the room. Not an argument. It's too quiet and controlled for that. But an unknown voice is asking something from someone.

"I need my clothes."

"You aren't well enough to get up, sir."

Silence. Then, a movement of furniture and the sound of feet scurrying and two of the valets back out of the room, eyes wide. Sharon runs forward in time to see the scarlet-eyed man in his underthings snatch clothes from a valet. "I wish to see Lady Rainsworth." Bandages cover the hole where his left eye once was.

Throwing the clothes on the bed, he grabs a pair of pants and quickly tugs them on. The valet shakes his head. "She is very busy at the moment."

"It is a matter of grave importance," the man says. He's finished with his pants and pulls on his shirt.

"Then, may I give her your name?" the valet relents, probably to stall for time.

The man pauses now. His eye grows distant, his movements slow and thoughtful. "Break," he finally says and Sharon can't help feeling something else is contained in that word. His movements resume their previous speed as he works on the buttons.

"First _and_ last name?"

The man stops and glares at the valet. A shiver of fear races through Sharon's stomach at the sight of that glare so much like the one she's seen in picture books, where the knight faces down wicked men. But the valet is good and kind, and the glare seems out of place. For the man as well.

As if coming to a decision, the man continues getting dressed. "Xerxes Break."

Whatever danger had threatened them is gone. The valet nods and leaves, passing Sharon and Reim on the way.

Sharon stares at the man named Break while he tucks in his shirt. They're the clothes he wore when we found him, she realizes, cleaned up by the servants. He's a grown-up, but not old. Younger than her mother, and Sharon is always hearing people describe her mother as young. He sits down with his socks and boots, then pauses. Lifting his head, he looks Sharon in the eye. That single, scarlet eye shows no emotion now. Feeling as if she's intruded, she curtsies and walks away. Reim follows her.

"I told you it was a bad idea."

She doesn't answer. Darting into a room, then pulling Reim after her, she waits, shushing him when he protests.

Xerxes Break must walk down the hall to get to her grandmother, Lady Sheryl.

The wait seems forever. Each time they hear footsteps, Sharon peeks out to get a glimpse. Only valets and other servants walk down the hall. And then, all the other footsteps still. Only two sets click down the hardwood floor. They pass the room and Sharon catches a glimpse of Break's coat as he passes, shown the way by one of the Rainsworth's valets. She opens the door a little more and watches his back as he walks, amazed at how straight it is. She hasn't had anyone to compare but she thinks that maybe someone covered in blood, missing a part of his body should be a little more...exhausted? And yet, he walks with an energy that seems difficult to contain and yet perfectly controlled.

She waits until he's passed them and has entered her grandmother's office before following. Reim tugs at her arm, a warning in his look. But she shakes him off with a warning glare of her own and takes off her shoes. Softly, she approaches the room.

The servants, all of whom had stood and watched Break go by, return to their chores. They don't pay any attention to the young miss who has decided to stand near her grandmother's office door.

She can see why. It's boring. He thanks Lady Sheryl for her kindness in taking care of him. She tells him that it is something anyone would do, especially considering the circumstances. He tells her that he has been in the Abyss and is unsure of the current state among the nobles. She asks him if he was part of a noble house. He hesitates. Sharon's ears perk up. Until he says no. He only asks because it was his hope to perhaps serve one of them. The rest is boring politics and noble nonsense.

"And what of the Sinclair house?" His question has a tension to it that grabs Sharon's attention again.

There is a pause that Sharon later realizes is a result of her grandmother's shock. She says words that Sharon doesn't hear, even though she strains for them.

It's only years later that she learns the Sinclair family is no more, massacred by the youngest daughter, an illegal contractor, and dragged into the Abyss.

Break says nothing. In fact, the pause becomes so long that Sharon risks a peek through the door. Before she can see anything, she hears Break finally say, "I see." His voice is hoarse. She looks through. There is no sign in his face that whatever her grandmother said has affected him. But his hand has balled into a fist, and tightens, the leather of his glove giving a small cry in protest.

"Thank you," he says, and bows, "my Lady Sheryl. I must go now."

"Break-"

But her grandmother, whom no one has ever walked out on before, isn't able to finish her sentence before Break turns toward the door, his steps controlled, but quick.

Sharon gets out of the way just before he throws open the door. Break's speed increases. A couple of valets move to stop him and he easily dodges them, his walk turning into a run. Sharon struggles with her shoes as he descends the stairs. But just before she tears out after him, she feels a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Sharon," her mother says, "I need to speak with you."

"But Mother," and then she looks at her mother's eyes, firm but gentle.

"Now. I must speak with you about our visitor."

Sharon nods and follows her mother. They go into a room where Lady Shelly, her mother, sits down and gestures for Sharon to do the same. Once Sharon has sat in the genteel way all Rainsworth women are taught, her mother begins. "Do you remember Bartolomew?"

"Yes." She loved that cat.

"Do you remember when he first arrived?"

Her brow furrows. No, she doesn't.

"He had been badly hurt by his previous owner. He wouldn't let anyone come near him. We had to give him space and let him adjust to his new life while making sure no one around him got hurt. Over time, he realized we loved him, and he trusted us."

But only us, she thought, remembering how anyone else in the house had to carefully avoid what they called the Cat from the Abyss. "And Break is the same?" she asks.

Her mother smiles, and Sharon knows her mother is proud of her. "Yes. That doesn't mean we allow others to get hurt. But Break is in much pain right now. His thinking isn't clear. Until it is, please give him some space."

Sharon nods, sad that she can't stand by him as she wishes. Her mother hugs her and lets her go.

Later, she hears that some servants working at the edge of the estate saw Break kneeling in the snow. Other servants talk of how his single eye was red and swollen from tears when he returned. It made him look even more intimidating, some said. She wonders if he cried for a long time, and if he loved the Sinclairs so very much that he won't want to stay.

He came back, she tells herself. But there seems to be no purpose anymore to his actions. He sits at the window in his room and stares.

Soon, she thinks, we'll find out who he is, and then we'll help him. But the word comes from her grandmother: no one is to search out the past of Xerxes Break. Which means her grandmother already knows it.

And yet, her grandmother lets him stay. So, the servants adapt and no one says anything more, at least, not within hearing of the Rainsworths. Sharon works on her studies and plays in the mansion, and tries her best to do as her mother says. Now and then, when she must (or can't stand it any longer), she passes by his room and sees him watching the snowy world below. He doesn't move. He rarely eats. His strong, straight back slouches against the wood. He looks at no one.

.

.

.

_Kevin, eight years old, spits out the dirt of the training field and looks up at the boy who knocked him to the ground. His lip begins to swell and sting. _

_"Hey," one of the boy's friends says, a worried look on his face. "Maybe you should leave him alone."_

_"What?" The boy doesn't look away from Kevin. "You think he's gonna drop me into the Abyss?"_

_My dad says, the boy had taunted before the fight began, that you'll never be a knight like your dad. You'll never serve the Sinclairs because you have red eyes and that mean bad things will happen to anyone who gets close to you. You're cursed, and the Sinclairs know it._

_Kevin had thrown the first punch and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to throw the last._

_Scrambling back to his feet, he doesn't rush this time. Though only eight, he's already sized up his chances. Six boys surround him, only one of them wanting to continue. Five are terrified he really will send them to the Abyss. They stay because this one boy is the strongest and oldest among the pages. He's relied on in the Sinclair house._

_Before the either one can make a move, a shout comes from the house. "Hey now!"_

_Kevin turns his head along with the other boys and dies inside. His father was not the one who shouted, but he's among the knights watching them. _

_The other boys are called away and told that if they had time to fight, they have time for chores. Kevin (who is not a Sinclair page) and his father walk home._

_"I brought you here so you could get to know the Sinclair house better. What happened?" His father's tone is unreadable._

_He tells him everything the boy said. If he thought that would soften his father's harsh glare, he's mistaken._

_"Have you forgotten your name?"_

_"No, sir." Kevin stares the ground, jaw clenched, tears ready to spill down his cheeks. The shame is too much._

_"Then tell me."_

_"I am Kevin Legnard."_

_"And who am I?"_

_"My father."_

_"And what am I?"_

_"You are a knight in service to the Sinclairs, as your father and grandfather were before you."_

_"As you will one day be. If you wish to join the honor your ancestors carried before you, I suggest you learn to forget yourself and serve as you can."_

_"Yes, sir." Kevin's voice is quiet. He doesn't look up, and thus, isn't ready when his father ruffles his hair. When he does, he sees his father's smile._

_"But we want you serving according to your natural talents, so let's get in some practice this evening, shall we?"_

_I'll show them, Kevin thinks. I'll be a knight, just like my father. I'll protect everyone, just like he does._

_The color of my eyes won't matter at all._


	3. Clockwork

The house falls back into a familiar rhythm that Xerxes Break is not part of. Sharon, like any child, finds things to amuse herself with, and begins taking lunch with her mother outside when the snow melts away. The rains come and flowers respond by opening themselves to the sun. Soon, the Rainsworth estate is covered in a multitude of colors.

Break still sits by the window.

Sharon wonders if she should bring him flowers. That cheers up her mother when she's ill. And yet, it might make things worse. Distance, she tells herself, and plays and studies. More than once, though, her mother catches her staring at Break's window while they're outside. And he doesn't move.

Then, late one morning, there is chatter among the servants again. Stay away from Break, they tell her. Reim saw him scratching at his eye socket under his bandage and tried to stop him. It was as if the Abyss had broken out in all its fury.

As they talk, she sees it in her mind: Break, furious at Reim's interference, his arm lashing out. Reim, knocked back, cheek turning red from the impact, his glasses flying.

So, the servants tell her, stay away from Break.

Concerned, she searches for Reim, but when she finds him he's busy writing something for his master, Duke Barma. There's no mark left where Break has hurt him. Relieved, Sharon goes back to her books and toys.

Her mother comes for her at lunch. "Are you ready, my dear?"

"Yes, mother."

"I want you on your best behavior. We're going to have a visitor today."

Of course. Reim must need cheering up. Sharon resolves to make him a flower necklace to make him feel better.

Her mother steps in and Break appears behind her. Sharon freezes. Break's scarlet eye regards her with the same dead look as before. His gaze moves toward an empty corner of her room.

She tries not to notice. "Are we going to the meadow today?"

"It hasn't rained in a while. Yes, that might be a good place to visit."

A broad smile lights up her face. Good. She'll need all the flowers she can get.

Before long, Sharon is running toward the meadow. Behind her, she can hear her mother talking in that soft, melodious voice the Rainsworth women seem to have perfected. I'll have that voice, too, one day, she thinks with pride. Along the way she snatches at flowers that look especially good for a wreath.

Maybe, she thinks after they've sat down, maybe he'll be like my big brother. He could. Comparing him with her mother, he is definitely younger than her, but so much older than she is that being her big brother isn't out of the question.

The more she thinks about it, the more she likes the idea.

Humming gently to herself as she works, she only stops long enough to eat. Xerxes Break doesn't speak through the meal. He eats very little, just enough to be polite. His gaze is distant and he only seems to listen to a few words here and there from her mother.

He's in pain, Sharon reminds herself.

She finishes the wreath and gets up. Walking carefully, so as not to startle him, she stops a few feet from him and curtsies. He looks at her, then looks away.

"I made this for you." She holds out her creation, a wreath full of many colors.

He glances at her, then the wreath. "Thank you. I'm afraid I have no place to put it."

She blinks. Doesn't he have plenty of space in his room? "Then, perhaps, you can wear it?"

"Men do not wear flower necklaces," her mother gently scolds.

Then tell me you like it, she thinks and looks down at her creation. At the sound of movement from Break, she looks up. He has shifted and now looks more closely at what she's made. "It is very lovely," he finally says. "But, I think it is better suited for someone else. Your mother, perhaps."

She nods, pleased he at least noticed her efforts. All smiles as she puts the beautiful necklace over her mother's head, she begins another for herself.

As they head back, Sharon keeps glancing at Break, who stares straight ahead as they walk. Her mother does not speak now, but does not seem discomfited by the silence. She is all placid charm as they enter the mansion.

"Thank you, ladies," Break says, bowing to them. "It was a pleasure to be in your company." The words sound rehearsed, as if he's said them many times before.

Sharon, remembering her manners, and trying her best to be well-behaved, curtsies. "Thank you, Sir Break," his jaw clenches and she makes a mental note to drop the Sir next time, "I hope you join us again soon."

"He will, dear. In fact, if he has no other plans, I would appreciate his presence tomorrow as well."

If her mother had pronounced the death sentence on him, it wouldn't have made him any more pale than that moment. Sharon tries not to giggle. Her mother uses that same tone on her when she won't brook disobedience.

My big brother, she thinks with a smile.

He does not protest, or excuse himself as he did with the flower wreath. "It would be an honor." He bows just low enough to show respect, no further. Sharon's glad. She would hate it if Break turned out to be a simpering sycophant. "And now, I must bid farewell until tomorrow." A slight incline of the head and he walks the long staircase back to his room.

"Mother," Sharon says quietly so he doesn't hear, "how long does it take?"

"Quite some time, my dear," she sighs, then smiles and waves her daughter back to her studies.

.

.

.

_"Kevin!"_

_The soon-to-be Sir Kevin Legnard stops and turns. "Yes, milord?"_

_Lord Roman Sinclair smiles as he approaches. He's not as strict as his father, the previous Lord Sinclair, not as conservative, and yet there's always something about him that hesitates when he speaks with Kevin._

_It's my eyes, Kevin can't help guessing. He only hopes that Lord Sinclair will continue to ignore them as his father did._

_"About tomorrow..." Lord Sinclair says._

_The knighting ceremony is tomorrow. Kevin waits. A boyhood taunt rises through his thoughts: You will never be a knight. He ignores it. In spite of his eyes, the Sinclairs have given him every honor Kevin has rightfully earned. Knighthood will be no different._

_"This is an odd request to make. Your father usually did this, but, you're so much younger, I really shouldn't assign it to you." He hesitates. "My daughter wishes to buy a doll. She wants to pick it out herself. I've told her to wait until after the ceremony." He frowns and looks at a point beyond Kevin. "I know it isn't wise."_

_No, it's not. Kevin tries not to frown. It's a foolish thing to let a young girl wander from store to store looking for a toy when the other nobles are looking for a chance to murder their rivals._

_Lord Sinclair looks once more at Kevin. "I want you, after the ceremony tomorrow, to accompany her. You're the best squire this house has ever known. You're certainly the best I've ever seen with a sword. And after the ceremony you'll be a knight."_

_"I will do whatever you ask of me, milord."_

_Lord Sinclair's face relaxes. "Good. It's better to avoid the post-ceremony parties anyway. They tend toward mischief."_

_He doesn't tell Lord Sinclair that he had no intention of going. He has no friends among the squires. None treat him badly (not anymore) but none stand close, either. He is alone, as his father had warned him he would be._

_And yet his life is full of hope. The world is nothing but a piece of clockwork, where, if you turn the key and lift the weight, your life unfolds as you plan it._

_He has turned the key and will be a knight. He has lifted the weight and his efforts have brought him the honor of protecting that which is most precious to his lord._

_Lord Sinclair beams. "Thank you, Sir Legnard."_

_Life is clockwork, and he's glad of it._

* * *

_A/N: I'm thinking of getting rid of the non-Sharon POV, maybe turning the other bits into several one-shots or a separate story. Just a warning of possible future editing._


	4. No Good With Children

_A/N: I have no idea what the name of the little Sinclair girl is. I looked around on the Internet, couldn't find anything, and decided to go with "Cora". Will change/update if it turns out someone has already used this name or I find out Mochizuki has named her._

* * *

Every day, Sharon and her mother and Break eat lunch outside. The days get warmer and Sharon's studies end for the year. This leaves the mornings free and so they go a little earlier to catch the best weather.

Break says nothing during these times. The servants say he snaps now at them if they ask if he's done eating. They say he's easily frustrated if he can't find what he needs and shouts at them. Sometimes, Sharon hears him, so she knows the stories they tell are true.

But her mother is always kind, always calm. And Break never shows this side of him around her. Perhaps, Sharon considers while working on a daisy chain, this is why she's spending more time outside in this morning. It keeps Break away from the servants. And honestly, when they're outside, when he's quiet, it's hard to believe that this other side of him exists. Now and then, her mother will say something to bring him into the conversation. She'll ask for an opinion on a flower or the weather. Break answers, but only enough to be polite.

And he's starting to look tired after these outings.

One day, Sharon holds up a small bouquet. She's seen men wear these in the buttonholes of their jackets. Surely, she thinks, he can't refuse something that men wear. And he looks so tired.

And because she's not sure what title he should have, she simply goes up to him and curtsies. "I made this for you."

His eye is tired now when it looks at her. "It's very lovely. Thank you. But I cannot take it."

Her dream of making him her big brother wavers. She clings tighter in response. "May I ask why not?"

He can't refuse an answer. She phrased the question politely. Instead, he repeats himself. "I'm sorry. I cannot take it."

Tears spring to her eyes. "Reim doesn't like these kind of flowers."

"I'm very sorry-" he stops and she can see through her tears that his jaw is clenched tight, and he's staring at the ground again. His nostrils flare, and she wonders if he'll yell at her.

"Sharon, dear, I know someone who would love that bouquet."

"I made it for him," Sharon says, her temper starting to show.

"I understand, but he doesn't want them. Be gracious, dear."

"Yes, mother." She hands her the bouquet.

"Thank you. Now, I think there are some lovely flowers in that field there by those trees."

Sharon knows when she's being dismissed. She nods and runs away, tears streaming down her cheeks.

The flowers were for him, she wants to cry out. And he won't take them. Why won't he take them?

He no longer seems tired when she returns empty-handed. He says nothing, and yet she feels he has more energy than before. Their time outside ends. They walk back to the house. And for the first time, he initiates a conversation. "The flowers were not what you hoped?" His scarlet eye still shows no emotion. And yet, there is in its depths, a spark of life. Only a spark, and yet more than existed before.

She doesn't know how to respond. Even the feel of her mother's hand on her shoulder doesn't bring any words to mind. Finally, because she must be polite, and she doesn't want him to avoid talking to her, she says, "No."

He nods, and says nothing more.

All afternoon, while she plays with her dolls, she thinks over what she should have said, could have said, and didn't. Taking two of her favorites, she sets them up like a judge and a witness. "Evelyn," she says to the first rag doll, "I have done something terrible."

"What is that?" Evelyn supposedly says.

"The man who's staying with us could be my big brother."

"He's not related to you, stupid girl," Emily, the other doll, supposedly squawks.

"I wasn't talking to you. Don't interrupt. That's very rude."

"Humph," says Emily.

"She is right," Evelyn, direct, but not nearly as blunt, says. "If he were family, he would live with you and yours until he got married. And then he would feel obligated to visit on holidays."

"But he's not," Emily adds. "He might go away and never come back, especially if you're rude."

Sharon nods. "I need to be near him, though. He's as dear to me as any brother. And I_ was_ rude. He spoke to me and I didn't respond as I should."

"Then you are a bad girl," Emily says.

"You should apologize," Evelyn adds.

"But I'm afraid."

"Will he hurt you?" Evelyn asks.

"If he does, I'll beat him up," Emily adds.

"Thank you. No. He's in pain. And creatures in pain can be... unpredictable."

"Then take us with you," they say. Sharon smiles, because she has been thinking the same thing. Gathering up both her dolls, she cradles them in her arms as she walks down the stairs to the room of Xerxes Break, potential big brother. And as she walks, she tries to map out her plan.

By the time she reaches her door, she thinks she has. If only she knew what to call him.

She taps on the door. "Come in." At the sound of his voice, her nervousness increases. Squaring her shoulders, she opens the door as a Rainsworth woman should, with confidence and poise.

He had been sitting, but stands when she enters.

"Good Evening, Mr. Break." She hates the title, but he doesn't seem upset by it as he did "sir".

"Good Evening, Lady Sharon. How may I assist you?"

No one has ever said that to her before. It would have made her feel grown-up if it didn't have the same rehearsed tone she's heard so often from him. Except when he asked her about the flowers. "I have come to apologize for my behavior earlier."

"There is no need. You did nothing wrong."

"I did not answer you promptly. Please, sit."

He does, his back still straight as before, though he still looks tired. This isn't going well, she thinks. "You answered," he says.

"But not truthfully."

She has his attention now. "The flowers were better than you said?"

"I didn't notice the flowers."

"Ah." He doesn't seem as tired as before, or as sad.

"The truth is, I was pouting."

"Really?"

Her eyes widen. Was that a mocking undertone? Studying his face, she sees no sign of what she must have heard. She decides she must have been mistaken. "I've come to say I'm sorry and give you a present."

"Lady Sharon, there is no nee-" She shoves Emily into his gut with such force, he winces.

"I must warn you. Emily has a terrible attitude. She's too blunt, too mean, and she always, always speaks her mind, even when she shouldn't."

"I see." He lifts the doll up with one hand, and his single eye goes dead. "I see," he murmurs. He fingers Emily's shock of brown hair tied with a ribbon, his fingers trailing over the long hair that spills down Emily's back. I wonder if I did something wrong, she thinks, watching him lift one of Emily's bulky arms.

Sharon, being a child, still thinks the world revolves around her. As a result, she doesn't understand why this man, this potential big brother, would continually refuse her gifts; why even now the sight of this doll only seems to make things worse. I'm the one making things worse, she corrects herself. But that only makes her angry.

"You don't like Emily, do you?" Evelyn says, her tone more of a growl than usual.

He looks up in surprise. A faint smile touches his eye. "I think Emily is a fine doll."

"Do you really?" This time Emily speaks, unimpressed. "Because it seems to me you don't like anything Lady Sharon does for you."

"Emily," Sharon scolds. "You shouldn't say such things."

"No one should do anything for me." His words are distant, his single eye still on the doll, though Sharon gets the impression he isn't looking at her, but at something else in his head. "It isn't your fault, it's mine." He turns from Emily and gives Sharon a small, rare smile.

"I don't believe you. I think you're being too polite," Evelyn says.

His smile doesn't grow, but there is a spark of life in his voice when he says, "Am I?"

"Yes. Members of the Rainsworth family must at all times be calm, collected, poised, and able to handle the greatest of shocks with amused indifference."

There's focus now in that single eye. It makes Sharon both happy and nervous. "If offense must be borne, it must be borne by those of the Rainsworth house. That is what my mother tells me."

His focus fades, his eye on the doll again. "I thank you for this, but-"

"You cannot keep it." She shouldn't interrupt, but his answer has begun to tire her. Her jaw sets. "Then, what may I give you? What gift would you accept?"

He shakes his head. "Staying here is kindness enough."

"You don't act like it," she snaps. "You're rude to the servants. You were cruel to Reim. Day after day, you join us outside and yet you never say anything more than a polite phrase when we ask you something." The anger she's only heard rumors of grows in his eye. She would feel frightened if she wasn't so angry herself. "If it really is a kindness, then show it."

Still, he doesn't snap at her like he does the servants. His lips tighten, and he says with greater control than she expects, "On what topics would you wish to converse?"

Sharon stares at him. She hadn't considered that. "I shall bring a book tomorrow. We shall discuss it."

He inclines his head. "Very well." Emily stays with Sharon.

The next day, she brings a storybook she loves, one with knights who save beautiful princesses. Because he is unfamiliar with it, she reads it aloud, adding commentary where necessary. Her mother listens patiently, working on a bit of needlepoint as Sharon reads. Xerxes Break leans against the tree, his arms loose at his sides, staring at the ground.

Remembering that boys enjoy action more than romance, she emphasizes those parts in her reading, her voice rising and falling with the movements of the characters. When she gets to the part where the knight sacrifices himself for his lady, Break's blank face tenses. Thinking it's the sweetness of the scene that disagrees with him, she hurries through the emotions between the two: their desperate love, their star-crossed ending.

"It's a lovely story, dear," her mother says after she's done, "Perhaps it would have worked better if you had started from the beginning."

"But I'd already read those parts, and I did summarize them."

"True. And yet, if you had started at the beginning, we might have had a chance to fall in love with them ourselves."

Sharon pouts briefly, until her mother's frown reminds her to stay in control of her emotions. Poise. Balance. She takes a deep breath, smiles, and turns to Break. "And what did you think of it?"

He's still staring at the ground. But when he speaks, it's with a thoughtfulness she didn't expect. "I think you don't enjoy romance."

Her eyes widen. "What about the action? Wasn't it gripping?"

"Yes." He hesitates. "Yes, it was."

"He sacrificed his life for the princess," she glows. "He was her truest and best friend and proved it through his complete loyalty."

He says nothing.

"Dear," her mother says, "perhaps next time you should bring a book on a more abstract topic. The beauties of nature, perhaps."

Sharon glances at Break's face, no longer blank, but no longer engaged, either. His thoughts are far away again. She nods, and goes back to picking flowers.

It's no use. Break will never be able to overcome his pain. He will never be her big brother.

Hoping her mother will be able to do what she cannot, she leaves the two alone and walks the meadows. The spring flowers will die soon, leaving the summer blooms and grass to manage as they can. She picks the ones that look prettiest and quietly weaves them into a crown for her head. When she returns, her mother and Break are quietly talking.

She quietly sits, and goes back to the beginning of her book. Once more she is dropped into the world of the handsome knight, meeting his princess for the first time. She is promised to another, and he would never take her away from that promise. So, he keeps his love for her in the secret shadows of his heart, never revealing, even to his lady, that his love for her runs deeper than his loyalty as her servant.

It's a sad story, and because Sharon knows the ending, tears begin to form in her eyes.

Her mother and Break have stopped talking. The silence is calm and friendly. When the time is done, they all walk back.

.

.

.

_The smell of blood fills his sight. From far off he can hear Cora asking what's happened. Why can't she follow Kevin?_

_Lord Roman Sinclair, his lord's family, all except Cora, the youngest, lay in a pool of blood on the floor of their sitting room. "Thieves," one of the servants says, but Kevin knows better._

_Reeling from the sight of it, he vaguely remembers giving directions to one of the servants. He can't remember what they were. His training was with the sword, not the effects of it._

_"Kevin?"_

_He looks down into Cora's tear-stained face. She holds an ugly doll, with thick arms and a long shock of brown hair down the back tied in a ribbon. But she loves it, and clutches it to her chest with trembling arms. "What's happened? What's wrong?"_

_Kevin is no good with children, especially when they cry. He kneels down, searching in vain for the words to tell her the truth while keeping the pain from her. Impossible, he realizes. "I think," his voice is hoarse and he clears it. "I think you should go upstairs and play...for a while."_

_"Where's Papa? Where's Mama? Are they all right?" Her lip trembles and Kevin looks away._

_"I'll join you as soon as I can. You can show me the toys you bought this afternoon while we were out."_

_She nods, trusting him, and follows a servant to her room. Kevin stays behind, his mind reeling with possibilities. Above all else, as the master swordsman of the house, he is sure of one thing: he should have been here instead of buying toys._


	5. A Selfish Knight

_A/N: Thank you to those who have reviewed! Your reviews make me smile and keep me going._

_Quick Addendum: I think the phrase "Don't leave me alone," is a direct quote from the Yen Press version, or at least close enough that it might as well count as one. I tried to avoid it, but decided that one line had to be included._

* * *

The daily talks continue while she goes off by herself to play. Break looks more tired each time, but it's not as it was before. He is thinking, she realizes.

But he will never be her big brother, so she leaves him to talk with her mother while she reads or sews or plays with her ball as the spring creeps toward summer.

Her dresses change from wool to linen. Her mother clucks about the new sizes, but there's a smile on her face for her growing girl. The temperature rises.

One day, as she turns to walk away with her ball, her mother stops her. "Dearest, why don't you play here?"

She looks from her mother to Break, who is once again staring at the ground. But her mother wouldn't ask if it wasn't all right. She nods to her mother and, feeling suddenly aware of how silly she might look, weakly tosses it up in the air.

"Is that all you do with it?" Her mother laughs. "I thought I saw you doing something far more elaborate the other day."

With another glance at Break, she throws it higher, this time forcing herself to run backward to catch it.

"Throw it to me," her mother says. Sharon does, and her mother catches it, though they haven't played like this since Sharon was very little. Over the years, her mother would gently tell her she was too tired until Sharon stopped asking at all.

She doesn't know why now is different. Initial concern gives way to the music of their laughter. The ball flies back and forth between them until Sharon forgets there is a wounded man leaning against the tree, or that her mother tires easily. They play until her mother holds up her hand, winded. "Enough." The color drains from her mother's face and her eyes close.

"Mother?"

Before Sharon knows what has happened, her mother is falling. Suddenly, the still Break becomes the one who catches Shelly Rainsworth before she touches the ground. His usually blank face is all concern.

Sharon can't move, can't breathe.

His single eye looks at Sharon. "Get help!"

She hesitates, staring at her mother's pale face.

"Go, Lady Sharon! Run!"

She nods and turns. Everything has slowed down. The meadow stretches too far and the house looks so small. Her terror pushes her faster with each step. As she approaches, Reim comes out with some of the men. "Mother!" she cries, not slowing down, though her lungs feel as if they'll burst. "Mother's hurt!"

The men draw their swords and run in the direction she points out. She doesn't know why they've drawn their swords. Her mother isn't being attacked.

She tries to keep up with them, but it's too much. It's enough to keep running, and hope her mother is still all right.

Up ahead, she sees the men push Break away from where he was kneeling next to her mother. She is now sitting up, though still not completely looking as well as before. She reaches out, and her cry, though unintelligible, sounds like an order. Reim stands between Break and the men, pointing toward her mother.

By the time Sharon has reached them, the drama has finished. The men help Lady Shelly up and Break watches, still concerned, still focused on her.

Breathless, Sharon watches as they all walk toward the house.

Her mother does not walk with them to the meadow the next day. Sharon hears nothing of what is wrong with her mother, but it's clear the outings must end. She sits with Emily and Evelyn and tells them what has happened. She looks over her studies and books and tries very hard to live as a Rainsworth woman should when she's outside her room.

Inside, she hugs her dolls and cries.

One morning, while she's reading a story of a prince who falls in love with a princess, she hears a tap on her door.

"Come in."

It's Break who opens it, looking very uncomfortable. He bows. "Lady Sharon." He leaves the door open as he comes in, though she doesn't know why. She was always told to close doors behind her. Outside, she can see servants standing near the staircase, dusting and looking at her room now and then.

He surveys the clutter of her room and she wonders what he, a young man, thinks of the light pink walls and white furniture, the dolls setting on bookshelves and the toys kept mostly neat either on shelves or in the chest. "Lady Shelly has asked me to take you outside today."

Outside the room she hears the servants begin to whisper.

Sharon only nods and gathers some toys to bring with her: her ball, Emily, and Evelyn. She follows Xerxes Break down the long hall and outside. They do not speak.

They also do not leave the gardens near the house.

Someone always walks by them. They are never truly alone. Sharon doesn't care. She doesn't feel like talking or playing. She sits and holds her dolls, remembering her mother's face as she fell.

Break's voice pulls her from her thoughts. "What do you know?"

"About?"

"Your mother. What have they told you?"

Unable to speak, she shakes her head. Tears fill her eyes, and she buries her face in her dolls.

"She'll be all right," Break says quickly, sounding uncomfortable.

Sharon lifts her tear-stained face. "Really?"

Break gives her a rare smile. "Yes. In another week, she will join us in the garden. In the meantime, she has asked me to get you outside."

For fresh air, she thinks, and her mother's concern makes more tears spill down her face.

"Your mother," he hesitates, as if unsure what to say, "is a strong woman."

"We won't go to the meadow again, will we?" Sharon sniffs.

Break pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and hands it to her. "No."

It's the first time one of the adults has been honest with her. She wipes her eyes. "What happened?"

He looks surprised at her question. "No one is sure. From what Reim told me, her health has always been somewhat delicate. Perhaps this is simply time...eating away at her."

The question lingers in her mind, and she's glad that there's someone who might answer it. "Will she die?"

He looks at her for a moment, then his mouth quirks up in a smile that seems both kind and cruel. "We all die, milady." The smile fades. "But, to answer your question, no. Not now. If she rests, she will live for many years." There's something in his tone that makes it sound as if he doesn't quite believe it.

Sharon hugs her dolls. They say nothing else to each other. Even when a servant brings them lunch, they eat in silence. And they eat very little.

The next day, he takes her outside again. This time, she brings her book, the one with the knight who sacrifices himself for his princess, and reads it quietly. Break notices.

"Do you love that book?" he asks.

She nods. "Very much."

"Why do you love it?"

And for a full five minutes she is nothing but words of admiration for the knight and the princess and their tragic story. As she talks, Break nods politely, his mouth quirking now and then in a smile that seems new and familiar at the same time. It's only as she finishes that she realizes he's silently laughing.

"What do you think?" she asks. "Do you like it as well?"

"No."

The word crushes her. "Why not?" she demands.

"I have thought much about his story and I have decided that this knight was actually quite selfish."

Sharon's eyes widen. "How was he selfish?"

"He gave up everything, but not for her. He sacrificed his life to avoid the guilt of knowing he could have saved her before and didn't."

The concept is difficult for Sharon's romantic mind to consider. "But he loved her."

"Did he? Did he think of her happiness when he left her alone? No. He only thought of himself."

Sharon still doesn't understand.

"Those roses look very lovely," he says, his gaze now pointed away from her and toward the rose bushes, their pink blooms scattered across the wall.

He's in pain, she reminds herself, and humors him. It's very difficult, though, mostly because he has begun to smile more. An infuriating, yet warm, smile.

.

.

.

_No one else is in the room with the coffins. Kevin requested it so no one would remember this moment of weakness. She must appear strong. But not forever._

_Only he sees her kneel down by the coffin. His red eyes, the color of blood, are the only ones that see her sob for a family that should never have died._

_The words of Albus the White Knight echo in his head in time with her sobbing._

_Yes, he can hear himself answer, even now. Cora will get her family back. No one need die because of me. I will change the past._

_Not "want to". Will. _

_He stands by the door until he can't take the sound of her grief any longer. This isn't a tantrum that will end when the next distraction arrives. This pain he's caused will linger for years, and there's only one way to stop it. He turns away, only pausing when she calls out to him, begging him to stay. "Don't leave me alone!"_

_She's still a child, and cannot remember a time when he wasn't her protector. That is what makes him pause, but he won't stay._

_He has already made the contract. Time is of the essence._

_I am still her protector, he thinks as he strides down the hall. His back is straight and proud as he leaves the house and makes his way to the family plot. Fitting for a knight of the Sinclair House, especially their best swordsman. The sky cracks in front of him, forming jagged lines of darkness that grow above the graves of the Sinclair family. The fingers of a metal gauntlet appear, and two lights that he knows belong to Albus glow in the dark of the Abyss beyond the cracked sky._

_Kevin does not flinch. "Let's go," he says._

_The world is still clockwork, and he must turn the key to get what he wants._


	6. Madness

_More reviews! Thank you. :)_

_Okay, the thing with Kevin at the end is my interpretation of a certain point in Break's view of the world. Considering what I've read in PH, I don't think it's OOC. Plus, things do get better as this story goes on. I'm not leaving it on a note like this._

_Saying this because I just now realized how the last part of this chapter could be viewed._

_Edit: eep! Fixed a terrible mistake in describing the action with Break and the servants. For those who liked the previous version better, I'm sorry but it had to be done._

* * *

In her head, she calls him "Xerx-nii". If he were her big brother, that's what she would call him, she decides. She doesn't call him that during their time each day, of course. She doesn't call him anything because she doesn't want to cause him pain.

And then, after several days of noticing a servant is always near the two of them when they're together, she learns why. The servants don't want Break near her. Though it takes her several days to realize this, it only takes minutes to drag the truth from Reim, who joins them now and then for lunch.

"They don't trust him," he says, rubbing the spot where her paper fan struck.

Sharon remembers how they drew their swords when her mother had first collapsed. Infuriated, she says, "He didn't hurt my mother."

"No, but they feel he has drained her through the time she's spent with him."

She thinks of his hesitance, his consideration, and that he's only hurt one person in his entire stay (and then not badly enough to leave a mark). As for any rude behavior or shouting, he's in pain, and a creature in pain should be helped. In her anger, she forgets to keep her private name for him to herself. "Xerx-nii would never hurt my mother."

Reim stares at her. "Xerx-nii?"

Sharon freezes. She should only call him that if he_ was_ her big brother.

And he's not, she reminds herself. "He wouldn't hurt her."

Still furious, she storms into her grandmother's office and tells her everything she's heard. Her grandmother listens calmly, then tells her she will take care of it.

The next day, Sharon waits for Xerx-nii to come for her. He doesn't show.

When lunchtime arrives, she takes Emily and searches for him.

The house is strangely quiet. When she goes outside to look, she finds the servants have gathered in the garden. Her grandmother sits in her wheelchair, Reim stands next to her, and in the center, surrounded by the gathering, is Xerxes Break, holding a black cane.

"Three, this time," her grandmother says.

Three men surround him.

"Xerx-nii!" Sharon's cry rings through the air. Everyone turns to look at her.

Embarrassed, but still caught up in her indignation, she turns to her grandmother. "What are you doing to him?"

"Xerx-nii?" her grandmother says quietly, a faint smile touching the corner of her mouth.

Sharon folds her arms over her chest, tucking Emily inside.

"I spoke with the servants," her grandmother grins. "They informed me that they felt it was inappropriate for a young man of Break's age to spend so much time with an unrelated, young girl such as yourself, especially alone. I told them Break's presence in your life is undisputed. My daughter wishes it to be so, and I will accede to her wishes. However, it is true that his current role is undefined. As such, I have decided to test whether or not he would be a valuable addition as a valet."

"Reim is a valet, and the Barmas never put him through anything like this."

"Thank goodness for that, he wouldn't have lasted past the first round. Continue," she gestures toward the men.

Sharon almost jumps in to save her beloved Xerx-nii, but stops. Break's cane flashes, and she's not entirely sure of anything except a blur of movement, and that all three men are lying on the ground, holding the different places where Break's cane hit. It was so easy for him, Sharon thinks.

"That's enough," her grandmother smiles. "He has passed all my tests and may be officially welcomed as a valet for the Rainsworth family. Welcome, Xerxes Break."

Murmurs of welcome ripple through the crowd of servants. He doesn't look at anyone but her grandmother. "Thank you." Getting down on one knee, he bows his head. "I hope I shall prove a blessing to this house."

It is an old-fashioned gesture, odd for someone who doesn't look older than her mother, and yet it only raises him in Sharon's youthful estimation. He stands with the grace that comes of a strong body, and she realizes he could face more tests than he already has and still win.

He could have done far worse to Reim than hit him. He could have done far more to the servants than shout at them.

_Who are you?_

"Dear," her grandmother says, gesturing for Reim to push her chair, "I believe it is time for your lunch. You may eat on the veranda with the new valet."

Sharon nods, but doesn't move. The servants go back to their chores, her grandmother and Reim go back inside the house, until only she and Xerxes Break stand in the clearing.

She can't take her eyes off him, this once-again stranger.

He misunderstands her focus. "Did I frighten you?" he asks, his face almost as devoid of emotion as before, except for the concern that makes his gaze soft.

"No." Awe is closer to what she feels. And yet she isn't sure how to put that feeling into words, so she stays silent.

"The food will spoil if we wait too long." He gestures toward the veranda. "Shall we?"

"Xerx-nii?"

He waits, looking only slightly uncomfortable with the title she's given him.

"What were you? Before you came here?"

Pain fills his eye, and he clenches his jaw. "The food will spoil," he says, his voice hoarse. "Come." He begins walking and she follows.

"What were you?" she asks again. "The way you use your cane-"

He whirls around, eye wild with emotions she can't comprehend. "I am nothing, milady. Just ask Emily."

And from her doll comes the hideous voice of a man speaking in falsetto. "He sure is. He's a bastard who only thinks of himself."

Sharon's eyes widen. Aghast, all she can think to do is scold. "You shouldn't say such things about my Xerx-nii, Emily. And you shouldn't use such language, either."

"I wouldn't be too hard on her, milady," Break grins. "After all, you know how she is."

Sharon tries not to smile. "Still, I shall send her to bed without supper. Saying such things against you without proof. If she cannot behave around you I must be firm with her until she is."

"Tsk, tsk." Mischief dances in Break's smile, along with other emotions that Sharon sees but cannot identify. "I feel I must atone somehow, dear Emily." He taps his finger against his lips, eye narrow. Then, his smile grows. "I have it. You shall ride upon my shoulder."

He snatches Emily from Sharon's arms and, before she can blink, has balanced her doll perfectly on his shoulder, just as he said he would. She giggles and claps her hands, all questions from before forgotten (for the moment). Pausing, she realizes she can ask him now. "What may I call you?"

He sits down and his smile doesn't dim. "Milady, you may call me anything you wish."

He no longer seems to be in pain. She rushes forward, wrapping him in a hug. "Xerx-nii. You're my Xerx-nii."

She doesn't care that he doesn't return her hug, or that when he does touch her, he gives her a hesitant pat on the head, as if he'll damage her. That doesn't matter. He's her big brother now.

.

.

.

_Blood is slick, Kevin thinks, but his blade doesn't slow. Slash to the stomach, don't look at the face. Ignore the cry as you cut the other one's head off._

_For my house. It's all for my house._

_His chain is also hard at work. Kevin only takes care of the ones who think they can escape into the shadows. Albus the White Knight is the one who does the majority of the work. Blood feeds them, drives them, both of them._

_If he doesn't kill one hundred sixteen souls, he can't change the past._

_To Albus, blood smells sweet. It's the scent that will bring him closer to the Intention, to the heart of the Abyss. Kevin's red eyes, red as blood, tell him this._

_To Kevin, blood is the stench that won't leave, no matter how often he washes. And, like a child brought up in filth, he learns to ignore it. Still, at times, when a remembered joy freshens the air, the stench creeps back into his nose, and even though he scrubs his face, his clothes, his hands, he can't get rid of it. _

_It's for my house, for my master and his kin. The mantra keeps him from going insane._

_What is the count now? Sixty? Eighty? He dreads the nights when children come too close to him. The further his incuse turns, the more tempted he is to add their souls to his collection._

_Scarlet eyes glow in the darkness, and those who escape the blades of Kevin and Albus shake with horror as they describe them. It's like a ghost, they say. The chain attacks, and the ghost devours in the shadows._

_The Red-eyed Specter haunts the streets._

_One hundred ten. No children, thank God. Only six more and the blood will go away. _

_Maybe the Intention will kill him. Albus hasn't told him that, but he hopes it. _

_One hundred sixteen. He has turned the key._

_The chains pull him into the darkness, their weight irresistible. And when he finally emerges, a long while after he has left the Abyss, he no longer believes that life is clockwork. He no longer believes in giving everything to those he serves._

_Life is madness. And it's every man for himself._


	7. Innocence Undisturbed

_You all say such sweet things about this fic. Thank you. :)_

_By the way, I don't see this going beyond 20 chapters. I thought the shippyness would be stronger in this chapter, but I don't think that's going to really get moving until the chapter after this. This chapter is still pretty platonic, and the next one is as well._

* * *

Pandora, Sharon has been told, is an organization devoted to justice. They are the ones who make sure others obey the law. The Rainsworth family, as one of the four great dukedoms, has close ties with Pandora, and it's not unheard of for valets to work for both.

And so, Sharon isn't surprised when she learns that Break now works for Pandora as well. In fact, as the weeks-then months-pass, she's torn between a sincere admiration for her Xerx-nii's work for justice, and disappointment that he doesn't join her as often in the garden as he once did.

Her mother does, on occasion. But she looks wan, as if her life is almost spent. And yet, she smiles in spite of it. And so Sharon, who must become a Rainsworth woman someday, tries to smile as well, no matter how difficult.

But she is eleven today. And a child can only take so much.

The whole house throws a birthday party for her. Xerx-nii is not there. Tears splash down on her cake, and the servants fuss over her, saying she must be very tired. They shoo her to bed.

Moonlight streams through her window, a blue-white beam glowing on the floor. Quietly, tears still running down her cheeks, she goes to the shelf where Evelyn sits. Emily now rides on her Xerx-nii's shoulder.

She rarely speaks with Evelyn anymore. It's begun to feel childish. And yet, in spite of her growing body, she wants to be childish, just for now.

"He's not your big brother," Evelyn whispers. "Not really."

"I know," she whispers back. "Do you miss Emily?"

"Yes," comes the soft reply. "But I am glad she keeps him safe."

Sharon laughs at that, knowing it's the other way around. Drying her eyes, she hears the sound of heavy footsteps, and the sound of men speaking, one of them familiar. "Xerx-nii?"

Dropping Evelyn, she races to her door and quietly opens it a crack.

"Good night, then," Break says. He sounds very tired. When he passes by her room, he's already taking off his coat with exhausted movements.

He cut his hair, she realizes. He cut it!

Unable to see him anymore, she hears him walk down to his room. Tears threaten to spill over the edges of her eyes once more when he passes by her room without stopping to check on her.

He probably thought I was asleep, she tells herself. But the pain she feels at his absence is too sharp for reason. He is changing yet again and leaving her behind. Pain turns to anger and she grabs Evelyn, flings open her door, and charges down to Break's room.

Her anger fades when she gets to her door. He might be dressing, she thinks. She knocks softly.

"It's me," she says, her voice sounding very small in the large hall.

"I'm getting dressed." Something is wrong with her Xerx-nii's voice. It sounds hurried. No. He's hiding something. "Just a moment."

She waits, holding on to Evelyn, trying to think of what her Xerx-nii might want to hide. When he opens the door, she becomes even more puzzled. He is wearing only a shirt and pants. His boots are untied and his short, white hair is disheveled.

It's one thing to see his short hair in passing, another to see it close-up. Eyes wide, she says, "You cut your hair."

He freezes, then laughs. "Come in, milady." He opens the door and lights a lamp.

"Why did you cut it?" she demands. "It looked good when it was long."

"I cut it because it makes it makes my life easier. Now," he puts the candle on a small table and sits in a chair against the wall, chin resting on his hand, "why are you still up?"

"Why are you?" she counters, and stands in front of him.

"Because I wish it."

"That is my reason as well."

He smiles, and her heart beats faster. And then his smile fades. He closes his eye, as if in pain. "Of course. Forgive me."

She shrugs. "You work for Pandora. It can't be helped."

His eye opens, and he gives her a sheepish grin. "Many happy returns of the day." He takes her hand and kisses it, as any knight would. But his formal gestures now aren't empty as they were when he first appeared.

A blush spreads across her cheeks.

He lets her hand go. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Join me for lunch tomorrow."

He hesitates. "I'm afraid I-"

"Cannot. Of course not."

"Are you angry?"

Of course I'm angry, she wants to shout. Their time together has become increasingly short. "Not at all."

"She's furious," Emily says. Sharon whips around to see that Break has placed her on the nightstand, next to his bed. "And she misses you, dreadfully."

"Do you?" Break asks.

Sharon says nothing. "She's trying very hard to be a Rainsworth woman," Evelyn finally says, when it becomes clear that Sharon will not say anything.

"She does very well," Break says.

"Too well," Emily snorts. "No one is going to notice her if she's nice all the time."

"Perhaps she doesn't want to be noticed," Break says.

Emily continues, as if he hasn't spoken. "And being nice means the other dukedoms will take advantage of her."

"But," Evelyn adds, "that could be very useful. They wouldn't expect someone who is nice to also be strong."

Break pauses. The slow smile that spreads across his face is one of admiration. "Very true, Evelyn." But he's looking at Sharon.

"But that doesn't mean she's stopped being a whingy brat," Emily sneers.

Sharon's eyes go wide, and she throws a nearby pillow at Break. Face full of mock incredulity, he points at Emily. "She said it!"

"But you encourage her," Evelyn says. "Who knows what kind of things you're saying to her when you two are off on your adventures together?"

"Nothing against you, milady." And the words are so sincere that Sharon's anger melts away.

Tears come to her eyes. "I've missed you," she says, her words a faint echo in the stillness of the room.

"Come here." He leans forward, and she rushes forward to hold him. Even after all this time, he doesn't hold her in return. He tolerates me, she thinks. But it's difficult to believe that when she finally pulls away and she sees him looking at her with warm affection.

"Now," he says, "I shall escort you back to your nursery."

"Bedroom," she corrects him, but he doesn't seem to hear her.

"How is your sewing coming along?"

They walk back to her room, voices soft. "Well enough. Why?"

"I must make up for my lack of a gift somehow."

She laughs. "By having me make something for you?"

"Oh, but it gives you such pleasure to give to others." The mischievous sparkle in his eye enchants her.

"What do you need?"

As they walk, he describes it: a white coat that doesn't cover his shoulders. It's held up by black straps and the sleeves cover his hands. "Why would you want that?"

He opens the door to her room. "To keep my hands clean, of course."

He doesn't close the door behind them. It's left wide open. He doesn't leave, but sits down on the floor instead. "Would you like me to draw you a picture?"

"You have no talent in the arts," she says with mock arrogance. Getting out her pencils and paper, she sits in the moonlight beam that stretches across the floor.

He chuckles. "Neither do you."

She sticks out her tongue and they both smile. Her talent isn't great, but it is serviceable enough to sketch an image of what he wants. She even adds Emily to his shoulder.

And yet, she decides, he still looks dashing. Like a knight.

He corrects her image here and there, and she adds embellishments to his vision (like black trim along the front) that he enjoys. By the time they're in agreement, she's realized this is his gift to her: his time.

She closes her eyes, enjoying the moonlight and sketching and Xerx-nii's presence. It's a wonderful present. I have to be near him, she thinks. It's always been like this. Her voice is dreamy and soft when she speaks. "I shall join you at Pandora someday."

She opens her eyes and is surprised that he looks sad. "Yes. Someday. But that day is far off, milady. And now," he gets up from the floor, "it's time for children to go to bed."

Glaring at him, she picks up her pencils. "One day soon, I won't be considered a child anymore."

"Of course you will," he says, and leaves before she can throw another pillow at him.

.

.

.

_Kevin shuts the door to his room, leans his back against it briefly, then grabs the pile of clothes hiding under the bed. Lady Sharon almost saw it. He thought she'd still be asleep._

_Not that he minded the time spent discussing his new coat. It was fun, and he missed her. It also got his mind off work, the part of him trying to be selfish adds._

_From the pile he carefully takes out a white shirt. On the front is a small drop of blood. His._

_This is my atonement, he tells himself._

_But Sharon, with her sharp eyes, wouldn't understand. She'd worry if she saw this, he thinks, and so he dips the bloodied spot in a small bit of water in the wash basin. Not that it matters._

_His body is breaking down. By the time she's old enough to join Pandora, he might be dead. "Good riddance," he whispers, then squeezes his eyes shut._

_I don't serve to help them he tells himself. I use them to find what I'm searching for. They're useful. Even the young one._

_But that thought brings him pain, so he focuses on washing out the blood from his shirt, something he would have done earlier if Lady Sharon hadn't interrupted._

_I am selfish, he tells himself. Even with her, I'm selfish._

_He's glad for the blood._

_Still, all that night, he can't sleep, torn between relief that his life will not go on forever, and grief that it may end all too soon._


	8. Leaving the Nursery

_Thank you to those who took the time to review. And apologies to those who've been waiting for the update and wondering where it was._

_Not sure how often I'll be able to update for the next month or so. March is a crazy month for me. We'll see what I can do._

* * *

Sharon is thirteen when she learns the truth regarding Pandora.

Her mother is bed-ridden now. Sharon spends time each day at her bedside, reading to her, talking with her. On good days. On bad days, she sits, not speaking, hoping her mother can feel her presence.

One day, an old friend knocks on the door to her mother's room. It's a bad day. Without a sound, she hurries to open it. "Reim?" she whispers in shock. Two years he spent at the Rainsworth estate before Duke Barma ("old bird brains" according to Break) told him to return. He's grown since then, his height and face nearly those of a man. "What brings you here?"

"Several reasons. Your grandmother sent me to fetch you."

Sharon hesitates, then nods. They walk toward her grandmother's office.

"You didn't come to visit me?"

His smile is sheepish. "Pandora takes up all my time now."

Not just you, she thinks. "And how are things at Pandora?" Break always dodges the subject, though he never avoids giving her an answer of some sort. But never on that.

He looks down at her and hesitates. "Well."

"Break hasn't caused any trouble recently, has he?"

Reim's eyes narrow, and yet he still uses the familiar nickname, "Xerx," when he grumbles about Break's lack of respect for bureaucracy and the forms that come with it. In the time they've worked together at Pandora, they've become good friends. Both are legendary: Break for his swordsmanship, and Reim for his abilities with paperwork. And yet, both get along well with each other.

At the end of the hall stands Duke Barma. His sharp eyes stare at her, and his smile is cold. "Greetings, Lady Sharon. Thy mother's visage more fully appeareth in thine each time we meet."

She curtsies, and hopes he leaves soon. And yet, as he does, taking Reim with him, she wonders why he would visit, when her grandmother has made a point of only seeing him when she leaves on Pandora business.

Walking to the end of the hall, she opens the doors of her grandmother's study. Lady Sheryl sits in her wheelchair in front of the window, gazing out at the sunny world beyond. "You wished to see me?" Sharon says.

Lady Sheryl's eyes don't leave the window. "Come here, my dear." She waves her granddaughter over.

From this vantage point, they can see Rufus Barma leaving with Reim. "Keep watch. He'll look up one last time before he goes." And with that, she rolls away from the window.

As predicted, he does. His face is full of longing and hope...until he sees Sharon. He frowns and gets in the carriage.

"Did he look sad?" Lady Sheryl asks.

"Yes."

"Good. It's a difficult thing, my dear, to hold on to a friendship when one of you wants something more. But then, I've heard that's your favorite kind of romance novel." Her smile lights up her eyes.

Sharon blushes. "I always enjoy it when friends become something more."

"No more knights rescuing princesses then?"

Sharon shakes her head, then pauses. "Maybe a few here and there," she admits. Serious now, she says, "You didn't call me in here for that."

"No." Her grandmother takes a deep breath, then looks at her with affection. "You've grown so much." There's something sad in the way she says it that makes Sharon worry.

Sharon no longer looks much like a child. Her body has begun to change into that of a woman. And her interests have begun to change as well. Most of her toys, even Evelyn, have been either given away or, if beyond repair, thrown into the burn pile. She spends time learning the latest fashions and the latest dances. Her dreams are of parties and whispered words of love, though who that man is still remains in shadow. And yet, she knows him better than he knows himself.

She also no longer calls Break, "Xerx-nii".

But the way her grandmother looks at her now is the way she has looked at her whenever she worries over her. "My dear," she finally says, "I am old. It took me several decades to become strong enough to rule this house. The doctors have made it clear to me that your mother," her voice wavers, "my daughter, will never be strong enough to take my place."

Sharon nods, trying not to cry. No one has told her her mother might never recover. She sits, hoping to retain some control. Angrily wiping away tears, she says, "When does my training begin?"

"Today. But you still have a choice, my dear. I can adopt someone as my heiress."

Incredulous, she says, "I am a Rainsworth, Grandmother."

She now realizes how close her grandmother is to crying herself. Grinning through the tears forming, she says, "Yes, you are. And now, if you are to do your job properly, I must tell you the truth."

Sharon sits and listens as everything she's been told turns out to be a lie. Pandora exists to study the Abyss and Chains. Her grandmother has a Chain. Reim will someday have a Chain.

And Sharon, if she wishes to take over the Rainsworth house, must learn about them, and take one on herself someday.

She accepts all this with greater poise than either she or her grandmother expected.

"One final thing, my dear," her grandmother says before she leaves. "It is best to keep these things to yourself. For now."

Sharon nods. That makes sense.

And so she reads the stacks of books she's given. For the first time, she is the one who is distracted when she's having lunch with Break (who still will not talk about Pandora). For the first time, she is the one who must occasionally decline.

For the first time, she is engrossed in something other than a romance novel when Break knocks on her bedroom door. She looks up in surprise.

"I heard you were in here, reading," he says, red eye narrow with suspicion. "And I had to learn what romances would keep your attention for so long."

Keep it to yourself, her grandmother had said. He won't talk to me about it anyway, she thinks, and hides the title of the book in her hands.

Break sits on the floor, his back against her footboard. "How is your mother?"

He never visits her, the servants say. They feel it is a shame, after all that Lady Shelly has done for him. Sharon wonders, though, if it's because he feels it will only make things worse. "She had a good day today. We spoke of," Chains and Pandora she almost says, "...many things."

He tilts his head and studies her. "Is that so?"

Have I made him angry? she thinks, watching him. She chuckles. "Surprised that I've become as vague with you as you've become with me? 'Where are you going, Xerx-nii?' 'Places you cannot follow, milady.'"

He's dead serious when he replies. "But you're following."

Childish pique at his previous answers make her attempt to hide the truth. Because she knows now that if every member of Pandora has a Chain, no one with Break's abilities would be kept from that. He's known. This whole time he's known and has refused to tell her.

"I don't kn-" and she can't lie to him. "I have to get back to my studies."

"On what?" His smile has twisted now, a thin covering for his anger. "How to control a Chain? Do they expect you to learn that from a book?"

Temper flaring, she takes the book from its hiding place. "If you must know, and I'm not sure why I should tell someone who can't seem to trust me with information of this magnitude-"

"You're a child," he says, as if that explains everything.

"-If you really _must_ know, I'm reading about illegal contractors, and I just finished learning about the worst one of all, Kevin Legnard, the Red-Eyed Specter. It's a little harrowing, and I would appreciate some time so I can fully digest his murders."

His face is pale. His single, red eye is wide. I must have made him furious, she thinks, because he hasn't moved since she lashed out at him. "Of course," he whispers, and turns to leave.

Feeling as if she's made an awful mistake, she reaches out and grabs his hand, covered by the sleeve she stitched herself. "Break, I'm sorr-"

He jerks his hand from her grasp. With horror, she realizes the stranger she first met has returned. "Excuse me."

"No!" She races forward and shuts the door, trapping him in her room. "I want to do this, Break. Mother is ill and she's not going to recover." Tears spring to her eyes. "Grandmother gave me the choice and no one is forcing me to do this." I can't be away from you, she thinks, staring at him. "I'm going to ask for a Chain."

"You're a child," he says, horrified.

"I'm not a child anymore. There are girls as young as I who are preparing for marriage."

He shakes his head, staring at the floor now and falling to his knees. "You're still a child."

"I am choosing this."

"Do you know what it's like?" he demands now. "Do you know what it means to carry something with that much power inside you? Haven't you noticed that, as the years go by, I don't get any older?"

Tears race down her face. "I'm a Rainsworth. I have...I must be useful."

She walks forward to him and he gently cups her face in his hands, his own full of confusion and sadness. "You are useful." It almost looks as if he's mourning the dead, she thinks. "Milady, why would you choose this? Why now?"

Gently taking his hands from her face, she smiles through her tears. "There's more to life than parties and romance."

He brushes the hair from her eyes and she begins to sob, clinging to his coat.

He gives a disgusted, yet affectionate, sigh, and they fall down to the floor together. Sharon cries into his chest. "There, there," he says, and she laughs, hating her tears. She knows he's never been sure what to do when she cries.

But he doesn't push her away.

And she never mentions illegal contractors around him again.

.

.

.

_Kevin wastes no time. He hurries into Pandora Headquarters as soon as Lady Sharon is calm again, and heads directly for Reim Lunette's office. "I need a favor," he says, closing the door behind him._

_"I'm swamped, Xerx," he gestures to stacks of paperwork. "You should write your own reports."_

_"Why do the boring work when you can do it for me? Besides, I'm not asking for that." He sits down. "I need to be partnered with Lady Sharon."_

_"I thought you worked by yourself."_

_"I do and will. She's only a child and needs the protection."_

_"Since when do you work with someone who won't be useful to you?"_

_"Oh, I'm sure she'll be useful." He doesn't know how yet, but he knows her. She'll make herself useful._

_But that's not why he's asking._

_Reim sighs. "You know how much work it will take to make sure she's assigned without someone noticing."_

_Kevin leans forward, his words more serious than they've ever been around Reim. "Neither of us wants her to come to any harm."_

_The relief Kevin feels when Reim nods and says he'll make sure is a tremble that grows until he has to duck into a closet to hide the shaking. It's not as if she's becoming an illegal contractor, he tells himself. The incuse will be trapped in a mirror._

_He holds on to that thought. She's not going to become an illegal contractor. Not like Cora. She's not like Cora. He won't fail this time because he doesn't serve her. The only one he serves now is himself._

_He waits until he's once more in control before emerging and pretending as if nothing in his world has changed._


	9. Mad Hatter's Partner

_Good gosh, this feels like a massive chapter._

_Thank you to those who have reviewed. I've looked over my outline (yes, I made a very rough outline) and it looks like we have no more than five chapters left. I hope you like this chapter, in which the shippyness starts._

* * *

Chains aren't what Sharon expected them to be. When she acquires Equus, Break tells her that Chains are drawn to souls, and that the nature of your soul determines the Chain that appears. And that Equus fits her very well. "It _appears_ useful only for intelligence-gathering, but Equus also has the ability to protect you if need be."

Sharon laughs. "But I have you."

Break only smiles. When she turns away, that smile fades.

They practice in one of the mansions owned by the Rainsworth family. This one sits in Reveille, far from her mother, who has many bad days now. Thoughts of her mother intrude more often than she feels they should. If anything changes, she tells herself, Grandmother will send for me. And yet, there are times she wishes she could send Equus to her mother's shadow, and watch her instead of Break.

Closing her eyes, she listens. Through Break's shadow, she can hear the crowd outside, the calls of sellers in the marketplace, of haggling and arguing and welcoming. Break rounds a corner, and enters an alley where the shadows are thick. "Now, milady," he says, and Sharon, through Equus, opens a portal to bring him back.

He practically dances through, then collapses onto the couch and pulls out a piece of wrapped candy from his pocket.

He eats sugar as if he'll never eat it again, she thinks, confused and concerned. She sits with far more decorum than he's shown in a chair opposite him. "I think I understand Equus better now than when we first formed a contract."

"You do seem to be controlling it much better than before." He pops the candy into his mouth and holds it between his teeth, staring at the ceiling.

According to the books she's read, there is nothing romantic about this moment.

But the evening sunlight falls on his white hair, giving it a golden glow. He seems lost in contemplation, his mind deciphering subtleties in the world they now share that Sharon, due to her inexperience, can only guess at. She tries to keep these moments brief, the times when she appreciates just how beautiful he is. If her gaze lingers too long and he catches her, she's afraid he'll tease her, saying that she's fallen in love with him.

And the more time they spend together, the more she wonders. But this isn't like the love of romance novels, so she tells herself that she's still waiting for that moment when a prince will sweep her off her feet, and she'll follow him, heart-pounding, wherever he may lead.

Break lets the candy fall into his mouth and crunches it between his teeth, still staring. "We'll need to test Equus' defensive abilities soon."

She knows this is something he's been wanting to test for some time, though Pandora has already tested it. "We can do it today if you like." She takes a sip of her tea.

"Excellent!" He gets up.

"As soon as you show me your Chain."

When she joined Pandora and set the day she would make a contract, she asked him about his. He only told her what to expect. When she made the contract with Equus, she asked again. This time, he only said that, one day, he would show her. Since then, she has hinted, but each time, he gives no answer, only changes the subject.

Today, he hesitates. "Perhaps."

She blinks. "Perhaps?"

"Equus can open a portal to other dimensions, correct?"

"Yes, but I've never tried to use it." She's afraid of what she might find. Or what might find her.

"Then we can test two abilities at once," he grins. "Pandora will be most pleased."

Unsure of what he's about to do, she focuses on the process of drinking tea.

He gets up and kneels next to her. "And chances are good you'll get to see my Chain, milady."

And yet, his smile when he says that is strained. Why so hesitant? she wants to ask. Is it horrifying? Are you afraid I'll be frightened and never want to see you again?

Those questions only make her want to see it more. "All right," she says.

Break is all action now. He grabs his black cane and stands in the center of the room. "Then follow me with Equus," and he's out the door.

In the silence, she sends Equus to Break's shadow, and can almost hear his chuckle when he feels the change. He has always been aware of when Equus follows him. Always.

The sun sets, and still Break walks the streets. The rhythm of his steps has become a familiar and well-loved beat. Listening to it through Equus, she can imagine she walks by his side as a partner should, as an equal.

Break moves deeper into the shadows, and she realizes he's entered a less affluent district. And yet, he stays out of the main thoroughfares. "Where are you?" she hears him murmur, but not to her.

Mad laughter echoes in the shadows, and she fights against a gasp as the illegal contractor, a young man, comes forward. Even if she remains thirteen forever, she must continue to become the Rainsworth woman her mother and grandmother became: always calm, always poised, no matter what may occur.

She hears it, the Chain of the mad man. It's almost a sucking sound, and she gets the impression of a worm-like creature.

She feels the way the two move in the shadows and knows they want to make Break their next victim. The Chain lunges forward and Break easily dodges. Sharon lets Equus form the shadows around it, becoming the unicorn she saw when she formed the contract. She's about to begin to fight alongside Break, when he calls out, "Portal!"

I thought we were going to practice using Equus as a weapon, she thinks, but holds her tongue. He has more experience than her, and she trusts him.

Equus does the work of forming the portal. All she has to do is know how to request it, and that's become easier now that they've begun to grow used to each other.

A black circle forms on the floor, flames of darkness curling up from it as the portal forms. Break grabs hold of Equus, and soon he's walking across the room. And the Chain they were fighting is following.

She doesn't know what effect closing the portal will have on the fast-approaching Chain. "Should I close it?"

Break holds up one hand. "Wait."

This Chain is not what she expected. She can almost feel its hunger through Equus' eyes, its need for the sun and human flesh. "Break?"

She can say no more. The Chain bursts through the portal. It's hideous, a mass of pink and purple, with trembling flesh and a multitude of eyes, always searching.

Captivated by terror, Sharon can't seem to take her eyes off the thing. Not until Break says, "Try Equus!"

Shaken, she manages to call her Chain forward, but the Chain of the illegal contractor attacks with greater speed than she expected. It's a Card, she thinks, trying to remember what she's read, but the Chain that's come through is at least as tall as Break, if not taller. Equus can fight, but Sharon's fear means she won't be able to finish it quickly.

And then, the Chain of the illegal contractor freezes.

It shrieks, and tries to turn away. Even Equus runs back to the safety of its contract with Sharon. Realizing its terror, Sharon looks away from the frozen Chain in time to see Break and behind him a Chain unlike any other she's seen: a large top hat, and inside it, a large eye, wide open.

Black streaks line the now-panicked Chain as it struggles to get away. What was once trembling flesh turns hard and begins to crack, the pieces disintegrating into nothingness as they fall.

Again, it shrieks as the destruction completes, and this time Sharon covers her ears. Equus is at the edge of panic, wanting nothing more than to get away from the Chain Break controls.

Destroyer, she thinks, and, for a moment, she's not sure if the thought belongs to her, or Equus.

And then his Chain is gone. This calms Equus only a little.

Trembling herself now, she stares at Break. His eyes are closed. "Do you think Equus will forgive me?" he says, and, with a mischievous grin, opens his good eye to look at her reaction. Whatever he sees makes his grin flee. "Are you well, milady?"

She shakes her head, and the concern in his face grows.

He walks toward her, then stops. His jaw clenches and he holds very still, scarlet-eye wide. When he begins to cough, he fights it. She sees a tiny fleck of blood against the white sleeve of his coat when it stops and he pulls his hand away. It becomes very difficult for her to breathe as she realizes he coughed up the blood she just saw. She knows little of medicine beyond what the doctors gave her mother, but _that_ she knows is bad.

"I am sorry, milady," he says, and she notices he's put his hands behind his back, hiding the sleeve with blood on it. "I'm afraid I panicked. Equus was too slow." He tries to smile, but she won't let this one go.

"When were you going to tell me?"

He tries to look innocent, and she grabs a pillow. Throwing it at him, she yells. "When were you going to tell me?!"

He lets it hit him and fall. "My, you're grouchy this evening. Must be close to bedtime."

"Break-"

Hands still behind his back, he walks away. "You'll need to practice with Equus again at some point, though not as we just did. Your defense is much too slow."

And then she realizes why he's been so focused on Equus and defense. And how it ties to the blood on his sleeve.

When she says his name, it comes out as a weak cry. "Xerx-nii."

He stops and turns. And as she looks at him, she tries to memorize everything about him that she loves: his pure white hair, his straight, strong back, his intelligence, his ability to see things that others miss, his kindness, his nobility, so much like the knights in her storybooks.

And for all she knows, he might be dying.

He kneels awkwardly in front of her as she cries. "I'm sorry," he says just loud enough to be heard over her sobs.

She wipes her eyes. "Did they know? When you contracted with that Chain, did Pandora know what it would do to you?"

He chuckles, wistful. "Pandora exists to study Chains, milady. And an old man like me, taking on a Chain like Mad Hatter, is a most useful thing to study."

"Even if it means your death?"

"As I told you once long ago, we all die."

Her skin goes cold as she realizes the depths of his condition. "When?"

He sighs, and looks out the window. Now, she does stare at him, in this moment when he is serious, unafraid of his teasing. "Do you remember the age you said you would have joined Pandora, if your mother's health had improved?"

"Yes."

"I would have likely been dead before then."

She falls to her knees as well, and clasps him in a bear hug, pulling him tight against her. It's been a very long time since she held him. As a Rainsworth lady (as opposed to a Rainsworth child), one does not pull a manservant into an embrace, no matter how much a favorite.

And for the first time, she's aware of him in a way that is very different from that of a child. Before, she was content simply with his toleration of her embrace. Now, her hands ache to feel his strong back, to explore him in ways that she can't even begin to imagine. More than that, her own body aches for his touch in return.

And she wonders what it would feel like to tilt her head back and feel his lips against hers, to feel him crush her against him as they're both swept up in a whirlwind of passion.

But this is Xerx-nii, and this isn't a romance novel. He hasn't come here to save her life, or whisk her away to his castle. He's not even a favorite knight who secretly harbors an undying love for her.

He won't even hold me, she thinks, and the tears start again. This time, they're quiet. Several minutes pass before Break pats her on the head. "I'm afraid you'll have to stop soon, milady. You'll have blood shot eyes during dinner if this continues."

A Rainsworth woman, a voice inside says, must be calm at all times. But he's dying, she wants to shout. At all times, the voice comes back.

She pulls away and sniffs. He must never know, she decides.

"Do you want my help fixing yourself?" He gestures toward her hair and face. Still, he doesn't touch her.

She nods and he goes to work. It's his first time fixing her hair, and yet, he manages better than she expected, as if he's done this before. But that doesn't matter to Sharon. He's running his fingers through her hair.

Heroes, she thinks, often have hidden talents. As she compares what she's always wanted with the man who is now behind her, smoothing out her hair, she begins to realize that, perhaps, she has always had a romantic hero in her life. Briefly swept away by the notion, she also realizes that there are many things about him she doesn't know, things that may add to the romance of his character. She asks, "Did you ever learn to dance?" She would love nothing better now than to dance with him.

"I have no talent for dancing."

"I can teach you."

"I'm afraid I-"

"Cannot." He is Break, she remembers, and not a hero in a romance novel. If he were a hero, he would care so much for her that...and then, her heart warms as she realizes that, although Reim was the one who assigned them together, someone else must have asked Reim to do so. With a lighter tone, she says, "Oh, but if you wish for me to remain your partner, you must at least try. Or would you rather I become reassigned to someone with a far less useful Chain? Or perhaps someone with less ability with a sword?"

He pauses, fingers still holding her hair, and she wishes she could see his face. Is there no emotion in it? Or has his concern begun to show? "Tonight then. You shall choose the music, and I shall bring the bandages."

She laughs. He does as well, and she lets the sound fill her ears. She will feast on these moments like he does his candy and cake. The sensation of time slipping away makes the questions in her head more important. "Break?"

"Yes, milady."

"Why do you work for Pandora?"

"I work for the Rainsworth house."

"But there are other valets who have nothing to do with Pandora. What are you looking for?"

His hands still once more, then let go of her hair. She turns to see him looking at her as if he's weighing out the risks of what he's about to say. "What do you know of the Tragedy of Sablier?"

She recites the basics: Glen Baskerville's massacre, Jack Vessalius, the hero who stopped the tragedy, and the sinking of the city into the Abyss. When she finishes, he continues to study her. "What does that have to do with your search?" she asks.

His smile is almost a smirk. "What makes you think I'm searching for anything?" Her eyes narrow in annoyance, and he laughs. "I am searching for the truth, for memories, and for things that I want no one to find before me." His eye is serious, though he's still smiling.

"I'll help you." Sharon says this without thinking, out of pure love for Xerxes Break. "Equus will prove very useful to you, and the Rainsworth name can get you into places you might otherwise never enter."

"Like Pandora." But his smile isn't the one of a man who is using her. It's the warm smile she's always known, and she knows, in that moment, that she loves him.

.

.

.

_Kevin has few memories of his time in the Abyss. They're like torn bits of photographs fluttering through his mind, bits and pieces that sometimes come together and make sense._

_At first, it didn't matter if he remembered. His grief at what he'd lost overwhelmed all thought. But as the kindness he received healed those wounds, the pieces began to make an odd sort of sense, and he remembered there was something he'd promised during his time there._

_Looking in Lady Sharon's eyes, he almost didn't tell her. He almost hid, yet again. But she's useful, the part of him that revels in the mask of Xerxes Break says, and the rest of him has no answer to that._

_And because she's useful, he tries to tell himself, he'll put up with her attempts to teach him dancing. He'll tolerate her scolding ("No, no, no. You're supposed to lead, Break."). He'll laugh when she gets frustrated, and make snide comments through Emily that will cause her to act, for a moment, like the girl he met all those years ago. And then they'll laugh at each other, and he'll try to ignore how her voice is deeper and more melodic than it was when they met. More musical, and beautiful. And that her face is only somewhat like a child's now. If she hadn't contracted with a Chain, she'd be even less of a child than when she joined Pandora. And though part of him is glad she's frozen in time, part of him, a part he doesn't want to admit, was looking forward to seeing her grow up._

_A part of him realizes a losing battle when he sees it. He cares for her. How much, he isn't sure, though he'd like to think it's the affection a father feels toward his daughter. It isn't, and he knows it, but he'd like to think that._

_And because he isn't sure, and isn't sure he wants to be sure, he plays the part of Xerxes Break, the Mad Hatter, the one who uses people as if they were tools or gears in a clock. She lets him, and that's enough for now, for both of them._


	10. Ten Years Encapsulated

This is a transition chapter of sorts. I thought about adding Break's perspective, but it just didn't seem to fit with the flow of these scenes.

This will probably have an AUish ending, since I'm (likely) going to finish uploading this before the manga is done.

* * *

Time can be a prison.

Sharon gets ready for the coming-of-age ceremony for Oz Vessalius. Her grandmother has asked her to go in place of her mother. She's glad to be of use, but also glad for the chance to attend a party.

For the first time in years, she's a girl again. She squeals over the frilly dress and huffs when Break makes fun of her. "Perhaps," he says, taking the lollipop from his mouth, "you'll find a pretty boy to play with. Someone younger?"

She glares. "We're not there for me to ogle young men."

"Oh, why not have a little fun? You're fourteen now, correct?"

She gives an exasperated sigh and hangs the dress so it won't wrinkle. If any more years had passed, she wouldn't be able to go as herself. This is a rare opportunity. But not the way Break sees it. "We will only stay to congratulate him, correct?"

Break's smile is understanding. "Yes, milady." He's sitting on the couch in her room, which has replaced the toy boxes of her childhood. "But, if it helps, he's rather handsome."

She glares at him again, this time sidelong. Ever since their misunderstanding, when she was daydreaming of Break and he thought she was staring at a young man, he has teased her about liking boys. It's better than the truth, so she lets him.

With a wave, she shoos him out of the room, not letting him in again until she's fully dressed. It's a child's dress, she thinks. Not very different from what she often wears everyday, though with perhaps a few more frills. It's not a dress for impressing gentlemen. Or knights.

Next time, she promises herself, I shall wear a dress that shows a little more shoulder and a little more chest, though I probably still won't have much to show off. And I shall wear it under the moonlight and I shall ask Break to dance with me and I will remember that moment in his arms forever.

He only holds her when they dance.

She calls Break back in (he's waiting in the hall for her) and twirls prettily in her dress across the room. The full skirt swirls around her as she gracefully drops into a chair. "My hair?" she says, fluttering her lashes.

He smiles, and she closes her eyes before he can see the effect he has on her. One year together, and there have been no more "tests", no more danger, no more risks. Only teasing and moments she steals from him. Like this. Hands running through her hair, she tries not to shiver from the delight of his touch.

It helps that he's efficient, despite also being gentle. "Nothing fancy, milady," he says as he pulls the hair from her face into its usual style.

"Well, I am only thirteen." She thinks of Reim's comment all those years ago, about looking younger than she was, and she's glad of it. It will make things easier. Sighing, she says, "Will Oscar be there?"

Finished, he steps back. "To introduce your lies? Of course."

"You think my hands will be tainted?" she says. He's not the only one who can tease.

He doesn't answer. "Are you ready?"

My mother fell ill yesterday, she rehearses silently. And I may not stay because I am two years shy of my own coming-of-age. She tries to ignore the sting of that thought. "Yes."

She leads the way as they descend the stairs. As they pass through the entryway, she catches a glimpse of them both in the mirror. Break appears to be a man in his mid-twenties. His back is still strong and straight. There's still a spring in his step. At times, he jokes that he's just an old man but Sharon wonders if he says that to remind himself that time has no meaning for him.

Or her. Sharon looks no different than when she was thirteen. Looking quickly away, she focuses on her current assignment.

After the night of Oz's coming-of-age, time no longer feels like a prison. Time is a death sentence they must race to beat.

.

.

.

She catches Break coughing in the hall. Racing toward him, he waves her away. "I found him," he says and wipes the blood from his mouth. The spots are more numerous. "Gilbert." He sets his jaw and closes his eye. She tries to stay calm as he fights against another cough. He swallows and she prays it's not blood.

"You met a Chain along the way?"

"Barma," he says, hoarse.

"Duke Barma set his Chain on you?"

"No, just some illusions." He takes a deep breath. "Gil was crying in the woods." He swallows again and begins walking to the place where she knows he keeps extra shirts. "I offered to teach him the fine art of using others and he accepted."

Tears form in her eyes. "Do you think the Nightrays will accept him?"

"Of course they will. They already have his brother. Why not make it a set?" But she can tell in his tone that he likes Oz's servant, Gil. Former servant, she corrects herself, remembering he was now lost to the Abyss. "This is very important," he says, acting as if he isn't dying. "When he is old enough, Duke Nightray will send him to contract with Raven, the house Chain, and that will be our means of rescue for poor Oz Vessalius."

She tries to smile at his clever plan and the focus she can sense under his mocking tone. Instead, she nods and wipes her eyes. He sees it. She knows it annoys him and excuses herself. "It's a good plan," she whispers.

"We shall see," he says, and ducks into a room with his clean shirt.

One day, she tells herself, I shall stay calm. Even as he's dying, I'll remain calm. Because then, she thinks, I shall truly be a woman, and his equal.

.

.

.

Ten years have passed. Sharon is now twenty-four. Gil, the boy Break met is a full-grown man. The mansion where Oz disappeared is overgrown with weeds and ivy. Break revels in it, even insisting on taking tea there.

As the years pass, his wildness grows. He is strange, the other members of Pandora say. Only Reim, herself, and now Gil, associate with him outside of Pandora.

He's not strange, she thinks. He's desperate. Time is running out. She doesn't know how much time he has, nor does he allow her to see the effect Mad Hatter has on him when he can help it. He wears a scarf now that he can easily change, and easily hide. Thankfully, he hasn't had much reason to use his Chain these past ten years. They do not bring in illegal contractors and Barma hasn't allowed Break near him in years.

Life has been quiet. Sharon's glad. Even as she watches Break crunch his lollipop instead of savoring it as he once did, even when she has to scold him when he's too hard on Gil. (Why does Gil irritate him at times? She doesn't know.) Even in these moments when she can tell his nerves are strained with impatience, she's glad. Because she has been useful. They are here on private Rainsworth business, not Pandora's. Her name has allowed them resources Break may not have had otherwise.

She's glad.

But now, all the needed pieces are together. They move to begin their attempt to free Oz and the sky cracks behind them. For the first time, Break grabs Sharon's arm. Shocked at the contact, she's even more shocked when he pulls her against him, turning her so that anything that might rush through will hit him first. His face shows a focus she's never seen. And fear.

In that brief moment, the man she knows exists within Xerxes Break re-appears.

But it's only Oz Vessalius lying on the floor. Her breath catches. Oz. The Key to Pandora is right in front of them.

And from that time, the pace quickens.


	11. Within the Illusion

Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. I smile each time I read them. I'm really, really glad you're enjoying this. Your comments have inspired me in more ways than I can describe. Thank you. I hope this story has an ending worthy of the praise you've given it.

(No, this isn't the end yet. Still a few more chapters to go. But we're getting there.)

* * *

_It is fitting, Kevin thinks, that blood is once again filling his life, though this time it's his own._

_It's still confined. Mostly. But there's more of it, more to hide and more to remind him. One day, it won't be confined. One day, the bleeding won't stop._

_There's blood on his hands. Now and then he forgets this._

_Twice, he's touched Lady Sharon with these hands. Once, to pull her out of danger. But the second time...the second time was when he forgot he was the Red-eyed Specter. For just that moment, he was Xerxes Break, Lady Sharon's servant and protector. For just that moment, when he looked down into her barely conscious eyes, poison racing through her veins, he forgot his past entirely._

_He cradled her head and kissed her on the top of it, chastely, as a brother would. He was still just a servant, and she was still just a child._

_Xerxes Break destroyed Cheshire's memories. But it was Kevin Legnard who pulled away. It was Kevin Legnard who was ready to rip out Vincent's heart if he dared kill Lady Sharon for his own amusement._

_It was Kevin Legnard who was relieved when Lady Sharon woke up feeling just fine. And, because he had forgotten his past, he let her berate him, let her hit him with her pillow and yell and shriek out of her enormous concern and love for him._

_He won't forget again._

.

.

.

There is hardly time for tea now. Proud of herself for being able to keep up through each adventure, Sharon watches, both with her own eyes and through Equus, as the pieces fit together. Oz, smart as he is, works well with Break, and soon they have formed a small group, one that unravels the lies that have built up over the years.

There are memories she will always treasure, like precious photographs. And like photographs, the memories are a shorthand for a connection she's sure will not shatter. Break's cold smile when Oz's Chain, Alice, threatens her with a knife. His mischievous grin when he asks to use Equus to shock Alice and Gil ("Send me through the shadows", he said. "They'll think I'm part ghost," he said.). Even drugged with poison, she can remember Break's warm smile after he kissed the top of her head...and destroyed Cheshire's memories, the ones he'd been trying to find all these years. He saved her to avoid her mother's punishment, she remembers him saying. But in her fantasy, he does it for her.

It's an easy fantasy to keep because her favorite memory so far is of the two of them sitting on the floor after the antidote healed her. She's in her nightgown, and he's in his Pandora uniform. And he tells her that Cheshire had his eye and that he remembers now. He remembers everything.

He won't tell her everything, and she doesn't press him. The look in his eye is not that different from when she asked him what he was before he became her valet. The only difference is that now she's begun to realize all the emotions behind it.

At least, she thinks she does. One night, for the first time in years, Break doesn't come home before she retires. He had gone with Oz, Alice, and Reim to visit Duke Barma. "He's willing to see you?" she had said before he left, perplexed.

"Yes," he had murmured. He's as suspicious of it as she was and is. But, unlike other times when he'll discuss possible theories, he remained quiet this time.

He returns early in the morning, long before sunrise. Sharon races down to meet him.

He's covered in blood. "Break," she whispers, horrified.

His face pales. Saying nothing, he jogs past her up the stairs.

Barma. Tears of hatred spill down her cheeks. "What did he do?" she demands.

"Nothing that probably shouldn't have been done long ago," he says, in a voice she hasn't heard in years. "Did I keep you up late?" He doesn't turn, and she can tell from his voice how uncomfortable he's becoming as they walk.

"I'm twenty-four now," she begins, and can't finish. The sight of all that blood, more than she's ever seen on him (except once), reminds her of how precious their time together is.

She knows what her tears do to him. She knows that, as a Rainsworth woman, she shouldn't lose control of herself. She tries. But he doesn't turn around, and she can tell from the way he walks that she is not to follow.

Waiting until an hour before dawn, she pays a visit to Reim at Pandora. He's so devoted, he sleeps there now, though she knows he went with Break and the others. The moment the door to his office shuts, all pleasantries end. "What happened at Duke Barma's?"

Reim pales, but only briefly. "Oz and Alice found more information."

"What happened to Break at Duke Barma's?" she clarifies.

Reim shakes his head, "I don't-"

"You do know." Tears spring to her eyes again at the thought of Break's chest covered in blood. She clenches her jaw and fights them. Even when she describes how Break appeared, she manages to stay calm. Barely. "Please, Reim. I could demand it. I could beat you with a paper fan until you gave up and told me. As a friend, please. Please, tell me what happened at Duke Barma's."

Reim looks down at the paper in front of him. "It's not fit for a lady's ears," he says quietly.

Anger wells up inside her. "Perhaps you mean, 'for a child's ears'?" He looks up in surprise at that. For a long moment, they stare at each other. Then, he chuckles.

"I keep forgetting," he says. Taking a deep breath, he begins.

Sharon is a Rainsworth woman. A Rainsworth woman must be able to handle even the most horrifying news with the utmost calm. Even when it's difficult. Even when you learn that the man you've loved all this time is a murderer. Even when you learn that he's the Red-Eyed Specter.

It's easier than she thought for one simple reason. She doesn't believe it.

"It isn't possible," she says.

"I saw the incuse myself, Lady Sharon." It's the closest Reim has ever been to crying. "It's impossible to miss something like that."

"Reim-san," she feels as if her world is about to shatter, "Xerxes Break-"

"Is a mystery." Lacing his fingers together on top of his desk, he says, "Consider what you've seen of him. What we've seen. He came from the Abyss. He's refused to mention his past. Your grandmother refused to let anyone in the Rainsworth house research it. And then...the way he acted immediately after." He leans back and studies his hands. "Not to mention, he's wicked fast with a blade."

Tears well in her eyes. "Break is no murderer," she whispers.

"If it helps, he didn't do it for himself." He tells her what Break told them after their visit to Duke Barma's. He tells her of the Sinclair house. Of the knight, Kevin Legnard. Of how changing the past gave the little Sinclair girl a worse fate than if Kevin had never even tried.

Even with this knowledge, it's difficult for her to accept. But she is a Rainsworth woman. "Thank you," she whispers and manages a faint, brief smile. She gets up to leave.

"Lady Sharon." She turns to face Reim once more. He hesitates, then says, "He doesn't want anyone to know. For obvious reasons."

Because Pandora would kill him. Her smile appears again, trembling this time. "I understand. Thank you." She won't tell him that she knows who he truly is now.

No. She still doesn't know. The name of Kevin Legnard is a fact that reveals nothing. It says nothing about how he grew up, if he was loved, if the Sinclair house was all he had. This new revelation has only brought forward questions and piled more questions on top of them and in this state, Sharon goes home and dresses for bed once more. She puts away her clothes, lays down in her bed, and closes her eyes.

She does not sleep.

All this time, she thinks, he has kept this from me. Because I cry. I sob like a child when I see him cough up blood. He doesn't think I can handle the secrets he keeps.

Sharon lays in bed, remembering, and grinds her teeth, eyes wide. I will not cry, she thinks. But she is overwhelmed by memories of him, memories that do not fit what she's read of Kevin Legnard, the Red-eyed Specter.

She remembers Emily's bluntness, and Break's mock innocence. She remembers beating him with a pillow after the Cheshire incident and his soft smile when he said he hadn't saved her for herself, but to save his own neck. Because he's selfish.

The pieces begin to slowly fit.

She remembers how he hated the title, "Sir". She remembers his wildness when she asked who he used to be. She remembers how he held Emily that first time, and how his gaze seemed distant.

And she remembers his question. How is the Sinclair house faring these days? Her grandmother answered, and it devastated him.

She sniffs and wipes away the few tears that will not be held back. He must have loved that little girl very much, she thinks. It makes sense now. He has always been loyal and self-sacrificing, no matter what he may say. She's seen this and known this for some time now. He refuses to allow anyone to help him because he feels he does not deserve it.

And, for the first time, Sharon gets a glimpse of how lonely his existence must be. How awful, she thinks, and snuggles into bed with another sniff.

"Are you well, milady?" Break's voice-Kevin's voice?-says from her door.

She sits up and wipes her eyes. He enters (he has never been barred from her room except when she dresses) and walks to her bedside. He holds a candle, which he sets on her nightstand. In that dim light, he looks tired, but calm.

She wants to cup his face gently with her hands and kiss him. She wants to tell him how proud she is of him for moving forward, in spite of his sins. She wants so much to let him know that he isn't alone, that she knows he did what he did for love, not blood. Because in this moment, when she sees his tired smile, she cannot believe Kevin Legnard was evil. "Shall I stay with you?" he says.

"Yes. But only until I fall asleep."

"Very well, milady." He kneels down and lays his upper body on her bed. For a moment, they look at each other, silent. "It was Barma," he finally says.

"Illusions?"

"You know how I love the ones he creates." He grimaces, and she laughs softly.

"You've been using your Chain too much," she says, letting her concern for him show.

"Only as much as is needed. Now, sleep," he says with a tenderness that reminds her of when he kissed her on the head. "There is much to do tomorrow."

She nods and closes her eyes. The rhythm of his breath is hypnotic and soothing. I will always love you, she thinks as sleep claims her. I will love you no matter what name you have, Break or Kevin. And she swears to herself, that she will find a way to let him know that she is with him, in spirit as well as body. He doesn't have to be alone.


	12. Only a Murderer

_From what I can tell, there's only going to be two chapters after this, both of which are pretty much AUish because they're dealing with events that haven't happened yet. If I publish an end to this, I'm not changing it, no matter what happens with the series._

_I could also just put this fanfic on hiatus until the series has ended and write the ending then. But if Break dies...I don't think I could bring myself to write an ending for this if he dies._

_Gah, I'm going to depress myself if I think about him dying. I swear, I'll write my favorite cracked theory into this ending if I decide to go ahead and write it. It's crazy, but I can't think of any other way to save him. Not with the manga as it currently stands. I hope you all can forgive me for its crackedness._

_Feel free to state your opinion on what I should do (AUish ending with a cracked theory, or wait until the series is done before finishing this) either in a review for this chapter, or on my Tumblr blog (same name as here on FF). I'm not sure if I'll go with the majority or not, but it might help me figure out what I want to do._

_Oh, and one more thing...in this story, I've referenced scenes from PH, with an occasional direct quote. I've tried to reword some of the direct quotes a bit (like when Gil is chewing out Break), but there's a few short ones that I couldn't avoid putting in as they were. Just so you know._

_Anyway, on with the story._

* * *

_I am blind...milady._

Sharon is proud of herself. She held back her tears. In spite of his admission, she holds out her hand for him to take. One more attempt at a dancing lesson.

It's a failure from the start. They both know this. He is unwilling to lead and has no sense of rhythm outside of swordplay. It's a trial of her patience, no matter how one views it. And yet...

She revels in the feel of his arm around her. Though it tears her apart that Break's Chain has left him sightless, she lets it go. After all, she's known for years, and it's only his sight. It could have been his life. Instead, she focuses on the feel of his strong shoulder under her palm, on the fact that they are rarely this close for this long, and on the fantasy that tonight he has managed, for once, to see her as a woman. In spite of her body. In spite of his memories of her.

Even her dress is no longer the prim dress of a child, but of a woman. I chose it, because I had hoped he would see it, she thinks. She hoped he would see it and think she was beautiful.

This is enough, she tells herself. If all else falls apart, this is enough for now.

It's with those thoughts that she looks up and sees him looking down at her. "I thought you said you were blind," she says.

"It's not total darkness," he explains. "The world has become a blur. I can still make out vague shapes, especially if they're moving. Details and colors escape me."

"I see." Somehow, they've begun dancing closer.

Still, he looks at her. Something changes in his gaze. He opens his mouth to speak, then pauses. "Milady..."

Her voice is that of a woman enchanted by the man she loves when she speaks. "Yes, Break."

His smile is gone. Their "dancing" slows until neither one moves. Still, he holds her. She feels his hand on her waist tense and waits, breathless, for whatever he seems struggling to say. "I-"

There is a scream and both of them turn to the sound. Whatever had begun to form between them is lost in the massacre that has just begun. The Headhunter. The Baskervilles. Isla Yura's plan. And soon she is working to protect Oz's sister, Ada Vessalius while Break goes after the Headhunter.

.

.

.

_"You fought," Gil yells at Kevin, "and you gave up without even once asking for help from anyone!"_

_Kevin thinks of the Rainsworth woman who didn't cry when he told her he was blind. No one should do anything for me, he once told her. But those were words he'd said to a child. A child who really, he could finally admit to himself, no longer exists._

_Just as the Kevin Legnard he'd once been no longer exists. That Kevin Legnard had no friends, no one who would have gladly risked their life to save his. No one who would have thought the life of someone with red eyes was worth saving._

_But I'm still a murderer, he thinks. And a murderer is only good for one thing._

_Blood spatters the front of his white dress shirt, and makes dark spots on his black coat. If he uses Mad Hatter too much...even once more might be too much. But he has to take the risk. For the sake of the promise he made to the Intention. For the sake of the woman Lady Sharon has become._

_Still, it's difficult. "Gilbert. Please help me."_

.

.

.

He's in the forest, she's been told. Running faster than when she was a child and her mother had fallen, Lady Sharon races from Yura's mansion to the forest outside where Break has been fighting the Baskervilles.

Behind her the men call out for her to stop, wait, don't look. But Break's body is dying. This might be the last time she sees him.

He's sitting on the ground, hunched over from exhaustion. Gil stands next to him, tired as well, but still able to move easily.

Break though...he's not coughing, she tells herself as she runs. Even from this distance, she can see the dark, slick outline of blood on his clothes. Perhaps it's not his own, she thinks, and tries to move faster.

Too slow. Everything right now is too slow. "Gilbert! Break!"

"Sharon!" Gilbert calls out.

Break looks up. Blood coats his chin, and she knows that although he isn't coughing now, he has been. But she will not cry. Not this time. She will be a true Rainsworth woman.

He looks at her, then looks away. He calls out to Reim, who stumbles out of the forest, hurt even more than Break, if that's possible. She watches Break stagger to his feet and walk toward his friend. There is no energy in his step now, no strength. Each step looks like an act of will, and her heart aches for him.

Focus, she tells herself, and quickly gets Reim to safety through Equus.

There is much still to be done. Before long, Gil has raced back to the side of Oz Vessalius, and Sharon tells the men who followed her to go back inside and help the survivors escape. Only Break and herself remain.

Be angry, she tells herself, though what she feels is closer to relief. Madness, that feeling. He's wounded, deeply wounded. "Gil helped you." She wished it could have been her, but she's glad he's safe and that she was able to help somehow.

"Yes." He leans against a tree, briefly, then continues walking. If it can be called that. And he can't even see where he's going.

"Lean on me," she says.

He shakes his head.

You think you're still dancing alone, don't you? she wants to say. Instead, she lifts his arm and wraps it around her shoulders. He makes a noise that almost sounds like a cry. "Did I hurt you?" she asks.

He shakes his head again, and she can't tell if he's about to laugh or sob. "Are you hurt?" he asks, and lets some of his weight fall on her shoulders. Not all, but just that small bit make Sharon feel like crying for joy.

"No." She's been lucky. Nothing hurt her, nothing came close. "We're almost there," she says, then stops.

Yura's mansion is on fire.

"What is it?" Break demands.

She tells him what she sees. "Take my coat," he says. "There should be a well or a pond somewhere nearby. Dip it in the water, then cover yourself with it."

It feels like every minute is stretched into hours, but she does so and quickly at that. She doesn't need to ask what comes next. Still leaning on her, the two make their way through the mansion to the lower-levels. "I think," Sharon says as they pass the more combustible parts of the great house, "I shall use Equus to transport everyone to a safe place."

"Not me."

She looks up at him in surprise. His smile is bitter. "I don't think I could withstand the strain."

His tone is different now toward her. It's been different ever since he confessed he had lost his sight. But only now does she realize what that tone means. Her fantasy has become partially real: he's treating her as an equal. "Besides," he continues, this time with less misery, "your mother would kill me if I left you alone in a place like this. Very unfit for a lady."

She basks in his appreciative smile, in spite of the building burning around them, but only for a moment.

And yet, this is the memory, no matter how brief, that she treasures the most. It's the one she holds on to after they return and Break collapses. A full week he sleeps, and Sharon remembers what it was like before her grandmother shooed her away from her mother's side. I could have easily lived my life never leaving her room. She knows because the same is true of Break. And so, now and then, she forces herself to take tea in her sitting room. She speaks with Gilbert about the horror of what they saw.

She prays in her heart for Break, and swears that, before he dies, she will do something that will show him the depth of her devotion to him.


	13. I Know Your Name

I'm very sorry about the lack of updates. Life and all that. In fact, I'm not sure when I'll be able to come back to this to clean it up and get rid of continuity errors (I noticed a few). So, I'm going to go ahead and finish it with the AUish ending. I hope you enjoy it, in spite of its flaws.

* * *

He's come to say good-bye. Oz has discovered a way to stop the madness by entering the Abyss. Gil is joining him. As is Break, in spite of his blindness.

Her grandmother has passed on. Soon, her mother will as well. Lady Sharon will then be Duchess Rainsworth. As if there is any honor in that distinction now. Now, she knows what Pandora truly is, what its experiments entail. In spite of her twenty-four years, she feels ill-equipped for what is to come.

And Break will not be there to support her.

She sits, hands neatly folded in her lap, calm. A Rainsworth woman must always be calm. Break, leaning against the wall, staring at the floor with sightless eyes, mentions that Oz's plan will sever the legal contracts all members of Pandora have. "I'm sure you'll be pleased with that," he says.

"And what if I grow taller than a Rainsworth woman should?"

"I'm sure there will be other advantages," he murmurs and she wonders for a moment if he's blushing.

"Well," desperate to find something to get her mind off his farewell, she pours herself a cup of tea, "it sounds as if all has been decided."

"Not all."

"No? Is that why you're here instead of with Oz and the others?"

When he walks toward her, there's little in his movements to show the toll Mad Hatter has placed on him. His back is straight, though she can tell there is effort now in holding it so. His movements are not as quick as they once were, yet there is still a touch of impatience in them. He no longer hides his blindness; his eyes no longer focus on her face. He sits across from her at the tea table, subtly using his black cane to find the chair. "Oz has let me join him on one condition."

"That you return to me? How sweet of Oz to consider my feelings."

Break doesn't smile. He fishes inside his coat, and brings out Emily. "You must take very good care of her for me," he says.

"Because you will be back for her."

He holds Emily so that she faces him. His jaw clenches. Do you see the little Sinclair girl when you feel Emily in your hand? she thinks. She has found little about Kevin Legnard's connection to the Sinclair house. It's as if, once he became an illegal contractor, they wanted to forget he had ever existed.

"Break," she says. He gives a short, soft bark of laughter.

"I think you know very well that is not my true name."

Her skin goes cold. Her heart beats faster. She says nothing because she cannot find breath enough for it.

He does not speak. It's as if, now that the moment has come, he's searching for the words that will expose this final, deadly secret. He trusts her that much. That thought gives her the breath to say, "I know your name."

He looks up (out of habit) in surprise. Tears form in his sightless eye, wide with shock.

"Your name", she says, "is Xerxes Break." He sighs, frustrated and, perhaps, disappointed? She smiles. "And Xerx-nii. And I have heard you are a wiser version of a young knight named Kevin Legnard."

She wonders briefly if she has made a mistake. He has the look about him of a wild buck in the forest, wondering if the person approaching is a friend or a hunter. And so, to show him there is nothing to fear, she continues. "Kevin Legnard killed one hundred-sixteen souls to change the past. He wanted to give the family he served a chance to live. After all, according to his logic, it was because of him that they died. If there was a way to change that, the silly man believed, he would sacrifice himself and others to do it. Am I wrong?"

Speechless for the first time, Break shakes his head. "Silly, doesn't begin to describe it, milady."

"I've read the report from Pandora. I've also read what little they have about the man himself, not the murderer." She hates how Break flinches at the sound of the word but this must be done. "They have such little information that I'm afraid I had to imagine what he must have been like, based on the rumors I've heard. If I've gotten anything wrong," her voice is soft and melodious, as a Rainsworth woman's should be, "I hope you can forgive me."

He chuckles. "Kevin Legnard is a murderer, milady, and should have been executed for his crimes the moment he left the Abyss."

"Wasn't he?" she asks gently.

Break understands. She sees it in his face, in the way his scarlet-eye closes. A tear streaks down the side of his face and she reaches out to dry it. The moment she touches him, he grips her slender wrist, then leans into her palm until its fully pressed against his cheek. Her voice tight with emotions she will not burden him under, she says, "To me, you will always be my good-for-nothing big brother."

He laughs. "Is that all?"

Something in the tone of his voice makes Sharon's heart begin to race. He turns his head and lightly kisses her hand between her index finger and thumb. "I was under the impression you thought more highly of me than that."

He gets up before she can respond, before she can reveal her final secret to him as he revealed his to her. "I'm afraid I must go. They might leave without me and I'm not sure I could follow now that I'm just a blind, old man."

She gets up as well. It cannot end like this.

"Did you keep that one romance?" he asks.

Voice hoarse with unshed tears, she says, "Which one?"

"The one with the selfish knight, the one who died for his lady."

He is her knight, and this is the last time she will see him. It will not end as that story did, with neither one knowing the depth of feeling they had for each other. She will not let this end be that tragic.

Reaching out, she grabs his arm. Reaching up, her free hand slides behind his neck, tenderly clasping it, pulling him forward to let her lips brush against his. She kisses him the way she imagined for all these years, her desire lingering like sugar on his lips.

He does not kiss her back. He does not hold her. He also does not pull away. This is not the ending she wanted, but it was a better ending than appeared possible. It's enough.

Turning away as if nothing has happened, as if she did not kiss him in a way no woman would kiss her big brother, she goes back to her tea with shaking hands. "I wish you a safe journey. Emily will be waiting for your return."

He leaves without saying anything in return. Sharon picks up Emily and, clutching her to her chest, begins to silently cry.

.

.

.

_Kevin does not deserve a kiss from anyone. He doesn't deserve to be held, or teased, or cried over. He had been about to tell Lady Sharon that he hoped she found a better knight than the one in the story she loved ever so much. He knew when she grabbed his arm what she would do, and knew better than to struggle._

_He also knew better than to confess the desire that had grown inside his heart for her. It's a shameful thing, Kevin thinks, though the rest of him knows that Sharon is much more than what her body appears to be._

_He pauses in the hallway. The feel of her kiss has begun to fade, and he savors it, though he knows he shouldn't._

_All he can hope is that, like her mother, she'll find someone with whom she can share a lifetime._

_But, he decides, remembering how he fought against the need to crush her to him, if this body manages to live, then I will let Kevin die completely. If I do come back, milady, I will come back to you and you may do with me as you wish._

_It's enough._


	14. The Revolution Completes

_Thank you, everyone, for all your reviews. And thank you for letting me add my story to this fandom. I hope my cracked theory doesn't ruin the story for you. Heck, I hope this ending doesn't ruin the story for you. Please, enjoy._

* * *

Lady Sharon Rainsworth, Grand Duchess, is now twenty-eight, though she appears to be only nineteen. Her body has become that of a full-grown woman, and she carries herself as all Rainsworth women have: with a calm that approaches the heavenly and a grace that belongs to the angels.

But even the magnificent Lady Sharon has her moments of weakness. Her valet has asked if she wishes to remodel the library. He has noticed there are several books that must be either moved or stored if she wishes to make the necessary changes.

And so, she has entered this room with the express purpose of clearing away the cobwebs of the past. When she sees her old romance novels, she remembers.

Gil's terror and strength. Alice's courage. Oz's struggle and triumph. And Break. She remembers him.

At any other time, there is so much business to be done, that it's easy to forget Break has not returned. Any other day, she would be in control, as a Rainsworth woman ought to be, of herself.

But the smell of the books has somehow mixed with Break's candy. Stuffed, forgotten, here among these nooks and crannies, the scent has managed to linger, though it should have disappeared long ago. It is strongest on the book she first read to him. She pulls out the old novel and caresses it, tears springing to her eyes. But she does not break down. Lady Rainsworth has cried too many nights to be overcome by a single book.

Taking it with her, she tells the valet to leave the library as it is. It will not be remodeled.

That night, she sets the book on her nightstand, next to a freshly cleaned Emily. She inspects the doll carefully. "He didn't clean behind my ears," she whinges.

"And I imagine you didn't make it easy for him," Sharon murmurs.

"I did! I held still, just as you told me."

Sharon smiles, and a tear slips down her cheek. "You're a silly girl," Emily scolds. "You can have any man you want. Why are you clinging to him?"

"Because no one has told me he's dead. I refuse to believe he's dead. He's just late, that's all. He's away on Pandora business," she chuckles, "and will come by my bedroom before he retires for the night. To check up on me."

"Have you gone mad?" Emily asks, more direct than usual.

Sharon does not answer. She puts Emily back on the nightstand, placing her as if the doll she's spoken through might truly be alive. "She's right," Sharon mutters. "They'll think I've gone mad if anyone catches me talking to a doll. No matter how useful," she says, with a slight curtsy to Emily. "Although," she continues, dressing now for bed, "perhaps you would be useful in more ways than one. If that young Viscount continues to badger me, I shall have to invite you to tea."

"Oh, that's brilliant, Lady Sharon," Emily coos.

"Thank you. I thought you might approve." Finished, she ties her robe and sits in a chair near her open window.

"Though," Emily continues in a voice Sharon hasn't heard in years, "it doesn't seem very intelligent, especially for a Rainsworth woman."

Sharon freezes. Breathless, she waits. Then, she remembers how the game was once played. "I was inspired by a man who pretended to be more strange than he actually was."

"He was a stupid, stupid man and could get away with it. If people think you're mad, they might try to take away everything your family built. Or think that you're weak."

"Emily," she says, not quite able to drop down to the scolding tone she once used so often. "Name-calling does not strengthen your position." Looking around her, she can't tell where he is.

"Neither does madness. Oh, don't pretend, Lady Sharon. Please."

She laughs. "I think I may not be pretending this time."

"Of course you are." But it is not Emily who says that. Break steps out from the shadows, the Baskervilles' long red cape flowing around him. "I asked if I could keep the coat you made me," he says, but is unable to say anything more. Sharon clasps him to her in a tight embrace.

This time, his arms encircle her, holding her close. This time, he rests his cheek against her own.

"You came back," she whispers.

"I couldn't let you go to sleep without knowing you were safe. Any more nightmares?"

"Oh, an awful one that lasted many nights," she breathes. "But it's over now."

"Is it?" He holds her closer. "I can't stay long."

"I gathered." She breathes in the scent of him, of sugar and tea and smiles. "I didn't think you would come to rescue me."

"That depends." He pulls away and she watches him, confused. As a Baskerville, his body has been restored to the strength she remembered from her childhood. Now, through the eyes of a woman, she's surprised he didn't have more admirers. Thin but strong, the energy and passion in those eyes, those beautiful scarlet eyes, are enough to drive the calm Lady Sharon to distraction.

"On what does it depend?" she asks, unable to stop watching him.

He pauses. "I was sorry to hear of your mother's passing."

She can see that her death has touched him as well. It warms her, and she nods.

Clearing his throat (to keep from crying, Sharon knows), he says, "I was surprised to hear you haven't yet chosen an heiress."

"I haven't found any suitable. Now that Glen Baskerville is once again in charge of the city, it is difficult to find any young women who aren't entirely focused on parties and frivolity."

"Terrible things," he says, his mocking undertone clear this time.

She cannot glare at him. He comes closer and kneels down in front of her. "Am I still your Xerx-nii?"

Hesitant, she reaches out and touches his cheek, her fingers trailing down his jawline. "Didn't you say once that I felt you were much more?"

"I implied that once, yes."

She hesitates again. This time, he reaches up and presses her palm to his cheek. Closing his eyes, he says, "I never did learn how to dance." His scarlet eyes open, desire dancing in them like an open flame. "Would you care to try one last time?"

She doesn't want to move, terrified she'll break this moment. "Using me again?"

"Oh, you'll get something out of it as well."

He stands and she follows as he leads her to an open place in the room. She is very aware now of the thinness of her robe, and the closeness of Break. He places his hand on her waist, drawing her close and she puts hers on his shoulder. She doesn't remember standing this close to him before.

"Now we start by-" he says, but she interrupts him with an affectionate annoyance she hasn't felt since she was last near him. "I already know how to dance."

"Do you?" He seems jealous and she realizes what he must be thinking.

"I meant it literally, Break."

"I didn't."

"Yes, I gath-" he leans down and brushes his lips against hers, then presses her against him, hungry for her, as if she were the candy he couldn't seem to get enough of when he was a Rainsworth valet. When he finally pulls away, they're both breathless.

Leaning down, he kisses her neck, just below her ear, his lips trailing down to her shoulder, leaving a trails of desire that makes Sharon tremble. "Break."

"Yes, milady?" he murmurs, obviously focused on something other than words.

"Stay with me."

He smiles against her skin. And hours later, after they've finally satisfied (for now) the need they've denied for so long, they fall asleep in each other's arms.

.

.

.

_Rainsworth women, Break knows, do not marry. Marriage implies ownership, and a Rainsworth woman is owned by no one._

_But they do promise, and Sharon's promise resides in his heart, filling the emptiness he thought would never leave. They have vowed to each other. More than either one of them expected, and so their joy knows no bounds._

_At least, until one night when Sharon gives birth to their first child. He can't be near her. Sharon has made that clear. Break waits until the small crowd has left the room, until only his beloved and his daughter remain. Only then does he emerge from the shadows and kisses Sharon's sweat-drenched hair. Her smile is tired, yet filled with a calm ecstasy that moves him close to tears._

_He grins at his little daughter, sleeping next to her mother. "She's beautiful," he says, overcome by the sight of her._

_"She very strong. I swear I saw her holding up her head, and she's newly born."_

_"You shouldn't swear," he says. "It's a nasty habit."_

_Their laughter is brief. Both find they crave the stillness of this moment. And in that moment, a wiser Break realizes he is gladly caught in the trap once more of selflessness. This is his, Xerxes Break's, and he will do all in his power to keep it._

END


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